Happy Birthday

Kurtis at three years old....

He should be 38 tomorrow.  He should be wearing the goofy moose hat, smiling the big lopsided smile.  My husband, who will remain 35 forever.

People spend thousands of dollars every year trying to tap into the fountain of youth.  Kurt found it.  He will never grow old.

And here I sit again, getting ready to celebrate him without him.  There's a crowd gathering tomorrow in his honour.  Some are coming to remember.  Some are coming to support Gavin and I.  Some are coming for both.  Some are probably just coming for the food.  Whatever their reason, I'm glad I am not left to honour him alone....

I'm older now than Kurt will ever be.  Probably wiser too, because my current view of the world, appreciation of the moment would never have existed if he still did.

Yet as I sit here, looking at his smiling face and remembering happier birthday celebrations in years past, I cannot come to terms with the fact that I have lived more days on this earth than he.  Its scary, really.  Because with my appreciation of the moment comes the unavoidable truth - I could drop dead any moment.  I am not too young to die.

It happened to him.

Kurtis at 30 years old....

I'm trying hard, for this one day, to put aside his death.  Instead, I want to focus on his life.  Not only 35 years of it, but all 35 years of it.  A life lived, even if it was only for too brief a time.  A life that brought me to him, and Gavin to us.  And changed the three of us in ways I still have not uncovered.

I want to celebrate the person who was, and still his legacy is still, rather than the man who is no longer.

And when Gavin blows out the lone candle on top of Kurt's special slice of cake, I want to be able to watch with a smile.

Because it was a good life.  A full life.  A complete life.

And while he may never age beyond those 35 years, year in and year out he lives still in the hearts, minds, and memories of those who he left behind.

Kurtis at 35 years old.....

Happy birthday Kurtis.

I love you more today than the day I married you.  And miss you twice as much as that.

Always Yours.....

Change

Image can be found here...

I've said I don't make resolutions. Goals are no longer worth setting. The future is too uncertain to look towards it. It is too presumptuous to plan for something that I may never see.

Over the past few days, this view has slowly shifted. Albeit just a little.

A couple of nights back, Gavin had another crying fit over a man he will never know. He said he wanted his daddy to come and stay at his house. He said he missed his dad. And he cried. Sobbed.

And his mom cried too. For him. Me. Kurt. All of us.

With a little man sitting on my lap asking such an innocent, completely fair request, I told him how I missed his daddy too. How daddy couldn't come and stay. How he could talk to his daddy whenever he wanted, and how his daddy would always be in his heart. How his daddy loved him so much.

And I told him about his mommy. How he had his mommy. How his mommy would keep him safe. How his mommy would answer any questions he had about daddy. How his mommy loved daddy just as much as she loved Gavin. And how his mommy would try very hard to be there for him whenever he needed.

He wouldn't let me leave his room before he drifted off to sleep. He said he needed his mommy right there. His last words before falling into slumber were "Mommy, I will never let you go away."

Gavin is afraid of losing me. Afraid of me leaving, just like the dad he doesn't know. That becomes more apparent every passing day. It shows in the way he clings to me in the morning. The way he does not want to join the other children and play unless mommy is at his side. The way he needs to know where mommy is in the house every second. Some may call it normal separation anxiety. A natural stage through which every preschooler must pass. And in some ways it is. But I also believe that there is something else, something more.

Parents leave, disappear. Not just for a few hours, but forever. They become only pictures on the wall. It happened to his daddy. And he worries it will happen to his mom too.

It almost did. On many levels. Many times over. But as time has passed, as I look into my son's eyes, I have come to understand something. And that realization grows stronger each day. I have to stay. To arrive - because on some levels I left long ago.

I always said that taking care of my son would take care of me. And it has. That I need Gavin more than he needs me. And I do. But he needs me too. As much as I need him. I wouldn't let myself see that for a long, long tim. But the relationship between us becomes more and more symbiotic as every day passes.

And that forces me to look at myself in the mirror. Am I doing all I can to ensure that I am here for Gavin? A woman must put their wants on the backburner the moment they become a mother. As much as I want to disappear, float into oblivion and join Kurt, I know I need to stay. To be here. For Gavin.

And so that is my new plan. My new goal. My only goal. For the time being evrything I do from this moment hence, every step I take along this road, every movement I make towards any form of betterment I do for him. It really doesn't matter the motivation, after all, so long as it exerts a forward momentum.

And who knows. Maybe somewhere along this path, I will find a reason to be here for myself as well.... And if not, that's okay too.

He is reason enough.

Alone

Image can be found here...

Sometimes there really is nothing to say.  I want to write how I'm feeling.  What I'm thinking.  But instead I stare at a blank screen, hit the little x in the corner, and walk away.

Sometimes there are no words.

Today feels like one of those days.  Where there's a story to be told, but no words to tell it.

I've ben doing not too bad.  Riding the waves, weathering the storm.  But as I sit here today, tears streaming down my face, I realize that beneath the surface its always there.  You can avoid it.  Hide it.  Ignore it.  Stuff it.  But you can't get rid of it.

I don't know why tonight, why now.  But I really, really miss my husband.

He's been gone 29 months today.  Last month, the 11th passed with little fanfare.  I knew what day it was.  And what had happened on that day months before.  But it didn't control me.  Really, I hardly gave it more than a thought.  I had to stop and count to figure out how many months had come and gone....  I saw real progress.  And I smiled.  For me.

This month, the 11th again slices my soul.  And I cry.  For us.  The flashbacks take me back to that day, that moment.  And I realize that wherever I am, however I am doing, I can never really escape it.  Escape him.  And those tears will come in those quiet moments of silence at the most unexpected times, whether I want them to or not.

There's no one to notice.  No one to care.  No one to talk to.  No one to wipe them away.  No one to be there.

And so I'll walk away from this screen, tears in my eyes and a hole in my heart.  And wait for the moment to pass.

Alone.....