People around me are noticing it too. Parents, friends. Even our four year old boy has seen a change in his mommy. And that gives his mommy all the push she needs to keep pushing forward.
Life still isn't a bed of roses. The PTSD symptoms still haunt me. I still have flashbacks. I still wake up in a cold sweat. I still have moments when I am incredibly sad. I still think of ways to end it all more often than any person should. I can't even think of taking a bath. And there still isn't a day that goes by without a tear or two.
I still miss Kurt like I never thought it possible to miss someone. I think of him all the time. There are days, like today, that I can't seem to get him off my mind. But as one day moves into the next, and the days without him become more and more, I am slowly getting used to the fact that I am alone.... Its resignation more so than acceptance. But I guess its a start.
I feel so guilty as I write this. Feel that things should not improve, should not change. Feel that in some way, this lessens my feelings for Kurt. Makes his death matter just a little less. I know this is false. But I also know that as I kept the pain alive, in some strange way it felt as though I was keeping him alive too.... It still does, I guess. That's why its so hard to let it all go...
Today, right now, at this moment I look at the years ahead with trepidation. I know my life as a solo widowed parent fighting some pretty big mental demons is not a life to envy. The stress load is almost as heavy as the hurt. I live in fear that tomorrow will bring another crash, another heartache. I live in hope that it won't, but suspect there will always be one lurking around the corner. I am more scared of the future than I think I have ever been in my life. I know it is not going to be easy. Tomorrow or the day after. But I'm strong. I never thought I could get this far. I hope can do it. I pray that some day the world will seem lighter, and the burden a little less heavy. That I can weather this storm until that day arrives...
After all, I have a pretty good guardian angel on my side lighting my way....
