You never really get used to it. As the four-year anniversary looms on the horizon, that's one thing I can say for certain. For me, anyway.
You learn to accept it. To expect it. The knives don't pierce as deep. The pain may not last as long. But deep within your gut its still there. A longing. Hurt. Emptiness that I don't think will ever go away.
You learn to keep up with the rest of the world. To make it all a part of you, but not have it control you. To smile. To laugh. To enjoy the fact that you are living. To actually live again.
You learn to make things manageable, even better for yourself. And life, in the end, really does go on. You move from surviving to thriving. But it never completely goes away.
Its too much a part of you. It's changed you. In many ways, its made the you you are today. You can spend your days fighting it, or simply embrace it. Acknowledge it. Allow yourself to feel it.
And then let it fade into the background of your life. Until it is given reason to rise again.
Some say its like learning to dance with a limp. But I think its more than that. It's learning to dance all over again. A different dance. A new dance. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. Sometimes partnered. Sometimes alone.
Its never far away. Its always there. It's who I am. And always will be, from that day forward.
You never really get used to it.......
