If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands.....
There isn’t much clapping going on in my house. Not by me, anyway. On the surface maybe. But not deep down where it really matters...
I remember the last time I was truly happy. Not the happy and sad bittersweet smile though the tears kind of happy. But the everything in this life is as it should be there’s nowhere else I’d rather be feeling. It was 8:30 on August 11, 2010. The time Kurt stepped into the bathroom and closed the door. And for about a half hour after, until I suspected something was wrong.
In those moments I had everything I had ever wanted. I was completely at peace with my situation. Nothing could go wrong. Nothing was a big deal. Like I said, I was happy.
Since that time, I’ve moved through the “phases” in varying degrees. I’ve been angry, sad, scared, worried, confused, dazed, anxious, depressed. And many more that I’ve never felt before and will hopefully never feel again. Some of which don’t even have names... I’ve even been content, satisfied, at ease. But I can’t recall a moment where I have been just plain happy. There’s always something else mingling about, tampering the moment, dulling the joy.
It’s starting to wear on me. I look in the mirror, and see the lines on my face that have come from sleepless nights of worry. I see the dark rings and red hue under my eyes that come from days of tears. I feel older. Far beyond my years. Everything is an effort. Nothing seems to come easy. These changes are my scars. Grief scars, if you may. Some people wear their scars like a badge of honour. I wear mine like a ball and chain. Pulling me down. Another weight on shoulders which some days cannot carry any more burden.
I long for those days when I was happy. I see others around me, and wish I could relive them again. There’s an adage that states you never know what you have until you no longer have it. It rings true for more than just relationships and material possessions. It rings true for emotions too...
If you’re happy and you know it then your face will surely show it.
If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands....
