As Always. Always Yours: Where Are You Christmas?

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Where Are You Christmas?

A lot of the blogs I follow in the Widow communities are dealing with this very issue right now. The holidays. Finding the "Merry" in Merry Christmas and the "Happy" in Happy Holidays. When half of you is missing, its not as easy as it seems. I don't even remember last Christmas. I remember crying when Gavin got his picture taken with Santa. I remember crying at church Christmas eve during Silent Night. But otherwise, its all just a blur. The ornaments stayed tucked away. There was no tree. And somehow I got through.

This year I vowed it would be different. For Gavin's sake, I vowed to make it a Christmas just like Kurt and I had wanted it to be... minus Kurt, that is. So out we went to the mall to see Santa. Out came the tree. Christmas cards were mailed. We'll decorate the cookies, sing the carols,and do what every other "family" does. And I'm trying hard to see it through the eyes of a two year old.... Gavin is caught up in it all. I should be smiling.

But inside my heart is breaking. I want nothing more than to run away, hide away, and not come out until those cheerful carols, happy Ho Ho Hos, and smiling perfect family images are long gone. I used to love Christmas. Used to go all out. Couldn't wait for the first to turn on the lights and dig into the advent calendars. Now its just a reminder of what I don't have in my life. A reminder that is all encompassing for two whole damn months. Its too bad that Santa doesn't grant the wishes of adults. Because I only have one Christmas wish....

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About this blog

Life can change in a blink of an eye. A fairy tale can come to an end before the happily ever after. I learned that the hard way on August 11, 2010. That is the day my world changed. That is the day my husband died. But on the days to follow, I'm starting to learn something else as well. That even though the fairy tale is over, the story of life doesn't end. And even when the condolences have ceased, the sorrow does not disappear.

Its not always happy. Its not always sad. Sometimes its raw and painful. Sometimes its introspective. And yes, sometimes it is dare I say happy. This is another part of the story. The part that people don't always see. Its what happens between the final words and the final page. Its the blank page before you close the cover.

Its the continuation of my love story. Its the process of my grief. Its the growing relationship between me and our son. Its the rest of my life.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful - Sung by Gary Allan

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

[CHORUS]
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Quotes & Inspiration

I love you Mommy. ~Gavin K.C.
“Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those sense weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end," she said. "Love doesn't.” ~ Mitch Albom "The Five People You Meet In Heaven"
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” ~Mary Anne Radmacher
If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you. ~Winne the Pooh
Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. ~Dale Carnegie
The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel. ~Steven Furtick
The biggest obstacles in life are the barriers our minds create. ~Unknown
Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I built my life. J.K Rowling
I am at that ledge where the choice is offered. I am carrying another life, but the choice is still mine... I cannot say that it was actually my will that has kept me from choosing to go with you. I would like to think that I am a loving mother, that I had hoped for a child long enough that I could not simply cast off that dream. But I am sure there is another, stronger will at work. If it were simply up to me, I think I would simply relax into death... Dying seems easy. Living is hell. ~Stephanie Ericsson, "Companion Through the Darkness"