Everyone says you have to keep moving forward. Keep your eye on the prize and look to the future, without more than a passing glance to the past. You can change your future with what you do today. Your past is written. Those of us who have such a large part of us in the past know that's not always so easy....
I admit I spend a lot of my days in the past. In my alone time, when Gavin is safely tucked in bed, the past is where you can find me. Some of this is beyond my control. I still have awful flashbacks regarding the moments before, during, and after Kurt's death. There's a two and a half hour period which is engraved in my mind with the most permanent of pens, that I can't escape even when I want to. The smallest of triggers sends me back to a place where I can feel, see, hear, and re-experience everything. Its not a journey into the past I want to take. But its one my mind still takes me on multiple times daily.
But there are pleasant forays into yesterday as well. Memories of times gone by, days that will never be played out in exactly the same manner. Its often in looking back that I first start to cry, but in my tears also find reasons to smile. Significant life-changing moments that can never be erased. And even more so, the little things I don't want to. They way he looked at me. The smell of his cologne. The feeling of my fingers running through his hair. The sound of his voice as he said my name. Things I can only have by looking behind.
Yes, I can admit it. Despite everyone's best intentions, I still find much more comfort looking backwards rather than forwards, to an uncertain, unexpected, and unwanted future...
But looking behind doesn't just mean I spend my days enveloped in memories. I look behind me in the physical sense as well. Regularly. Hourly. A lot.
The most important part of Kurt's memorial service was, for me, the music. Music was a huge part of who he was. He in many way defined himself through the songs he listened to. So in looking for music for the service, I wanted songs that defined him - defined us - and spoke to his life. I don't remember a lot about the service. But I remember the music. And more specifically, I remember the first notes of the final song. "Two Steps Behind" by Deff Leppard.
Where ever you go, I'll be two steps behind you. Where ever you are, I'll be there to remind you... that it only takes a minute of your precious time... to turn around. I'll be two steps behind you.
I don't know if Kurt really is two steps behind me, but when I need to find him the most, that's where I turn. When I have that feeling that someone is watching me, I first look behind. When my hairs stand on end and I get the feeling of uneasiness, I look behind. When i'm talking to him, asking him where he is or what I should do, I look behind. When the biting winter wind is forming ice crystals on my face, I turn behind. When i'm driving, and feel the tears welling in my eyes, I cast a glance in the rear view mirror. When I'm alone, and asking for a sign, I look behind. Even as I'm typing this, I throw a glance over my right shoulder. I'm always looking back. I don't know what I expect to see. A blowing branch as his spirit passes by. A fading footstep. A shadow. A sign of presence, rather than absence. Just something to say "I am here...."
I hope he's there, following me. Giving me enough distance to forge my own path, but remaining close enough to catch me when I fall. Always having my back, ready to intervene if I need him. If we can't walk through life hand in hand, I really hope he is only two steps behind......
Today marks the first of the year. A chance to leave behind the past and look forward to the future. I'm moving ahead. But with eyes cast behind....
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