Some days are easier than others.
Today was hard.
In part, its because the counsellor I have been seeing decided today was the day to show me no mercy. To get me to say the things I have been thinking. Out loud. And to look her in the eye while I said it.
Try as I might to change it, those secret words always take the form of apologies to Kurt. For not being good enough. Strong enough. Tough enough. Brave enough.
For not being enough. Before. During. And after.
Ive got a long, long way to go in accepting the guilt. In admitting my flaws. In acknowledging the truth.
Then I came home, to an empty house. Gavin was not here to distract me. Entertain me. Just be with me.
When you're sad, and alone, and sad about being alone things just seems a lot darker.
But there was more. Things I can't even reveal on here, not knowing who I may know that will read them. Things that I can only say in silence to myself.
I feel guilty about what I think, what I want to say. Like I will be judged by those who do not know me. Or do not know the new me.
If only people could see the road I walk. Understand in part the path I have been given. See the me I see. Hear the things I silently say.
If only people could drop the clocks and calendars they wave when telling me its time to move on. If only I could drop the same clocks and calendars I wave at myself because its been too long...
If only I could trust again. Speak with no apprehension. Without fear of judgment. To one person. To anyone.
If only I could understand. Why this happened. To Kurt. But also to me since.
If only he would speak to me one more time. To tell me he hears. That he understands. That he forgives.
If only I could shed the burdens of the past. Learn the lessons of the past. And start to walk again.
If only there was a switch somewhere. To fix the past. To fix the present.
Or just to fix me....
If only....
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