Birthday Boy

Our baby boy turned three today.

Kurt has now been gone 787 days.  That's a lot of special events.  A lot of milestones in his young son's life.  And of all those days - holidays, anniversaries, and very day in between - I find Gavin's birthday to be one of the toughest.

I think it is in part because I look to the memories to get me through.  I cling to the memories to remind me he was real.  I have no memories of Kurt and Gavin blowing out the candles together.  This is Gavin's third birthday without his dad.

And that just makes me sad.  Sad for me.  But even sadder for my little man.

Who knows what he would be like - we would be like if his daddy had lived another year.  Or another two years.  Or 787 more days.  Would he have even more of his daddy in him than I see now?

I tried hard not to get drawn into the "what-ifs" as I went about today.  As Gavin opened his presents.  Spent time with special people.  As he blew out the candles on his cake.  But they can't help but cross my mind.  There's no denying that Gavin's life - all our lives - would have been very, very different.

I've always said my grief is double, because I am grieving not only for me, but for a boy who knows no different.  I mourn not only my loss, but that of my son as well.

As much as I hate to admit it, Gavin is now my son.  He carries his daddy's genes.  His daddy's characteristics.  An awful lot of his dad, really.  But he is who he is because of my actions.  My discipline.  My morals.  My values.  The divide between mommy's and daddy's influence is not 50-50.  Not even close.

And with each successive year, and each additional candle on the cake, that divide grows.  Kurt's influence wanes.  As much as it pains me to say this, at some point far too soon, it will all but disappear completely....

I'm incredibly proud of that three year old boy who stands before me today.  Proud that he and I have survived the past 787 days together.  Proud of the little man he is growing in to.  And yes, as painful and as hard as it is, proud that, for the most part, I have done it on my own.

I wish this path on no one.  But if I have to walk this road, every day I am thankful that I have Gavin beside me.  And we are walking this road together.

Happy birthday, little G-man.  For every tear I have cried for your daddy, every tear you have wiped from my eyes, I want you to know that my love for you is even deeper.  There is nothing - not even your father - that I would trade for you.  I honestly believe that what we have runs so much deeper than most that I know.  Because you are more than my child.  You are literally my everything.  And we are in this together.  I can't give you your daddy.  And I can't give you all that you deserve, but I can give you this - my love.  My undying love.  My undivided love.  And the promise that mommy will continue to get up every morning, and strive to make things better for both of us.  I'll make mistakes.  I'll cry.  Sometimes a lot.  But I'll also do my best to push through the tears.  For you.  You really are the best thing your daddy ever gave me.  You are my reason for everything.  And I love you, and owe you, so much more than you will ever, ever know.

All the way around the world, sweet child.  To the stars and back.  Together there's no telling how far we will go....