As Always. Always Yours: Howling In The Moonlight

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Howling In The Moonlight

The image of the solitary swan swimming lost in the lake, looking for its mate. The lone bald eagle perched atop the mountain. The solitary wolf howling in the moonlight. You’ve see them.

Swans, wolves, and bald eagles mate for life. So, too, do gibbons, angelfish, albatrosses, termites, voles, turtle doves, barn owls, beavers, coyotes, condors, sandhill cranes, pigeons, and ospreys. Even the vulture mates for life.

So I guess its okay if I do too. I’m in good company.

Part of the reason I find it so hard to let go of my relationship with Kurtis is that I am letting go of a dreram. Ever since I was young, I wanted to be a wife. To be loved by someone outside my immediate family. And I was. In a way that I can never see repeating again. Yes, I know there are many widows and widowers who have gone on to wonderful chapter 2s, establishing relationships and families beyond the death of their loved one. I just don’t see that ever happening to me.

What Kurt and I shared was irreplaceable. I honestly believe I won the lottery with my first ticket. And will not buy another. Don’t get me wrong. I want to love again, to be loved again. I just don’t think it will ever happen. I just can’t see there being a time when I will not compare, when I will not wish for what was.

I have to find a way to come to terms with what I had, and be thankful that I had it. Know that two years of love is enough to last me for a lifetime. And then turn, alone to face my lake, my mountain, my moonlight. Without him beside me.

Yet embraced by him still...

Image can be found here...

2 comments:

Anonymous2 June 2013 at 02:14
Hi Chrystal,

Its been 6 months 2 weeks 1 day and 6 hours since I lost my beloved life partner and soul mate. Everything you have been writing strikes a chord in me and expresses exactly how I feel most of the time. My heart goes out to you and your gorgeous boy and especially to Kurt because he would only want you to be happy I am sure - as does my love. But its just so hard to live without them. Life seems empty, is empty. However someone said to me recently about how 'honouring the love we held for one another' may remind us to celebrate the lives they/we had and the legacy of love they have given us - eternal love.
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About this blog

Life can change in a blink of an eye. A fairy tale can come to an end before the happily ever after. I learned that the hard way on August 11, 2010. That is the day my world changed. That is the day my husband died. But on the days to follow, I'm starting to learn something else as well. That even though the fairy tale is over, the story of life doesn't end. And even when the condolences have ceased, the sorrow does not disappear.

Its not always happy. Its not always sad. Sometimes its raw and painful. Sometimes its introspective. And yes, sometimes it is dare I say happy. This is another part of the story. The part that people don't always see. Its what happens between the final words and the final page. Its the blank page before you close the cover.

Its the continuation of my love story. Its the process of my grief. Its the growing relationship between me and our son. Its the rest of my life.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful - Sung by Gary Allan

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

[CHORUS]
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Quotes & Inspiration

I love you Mommy. ~Gavin K.C.
“Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those sense weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end," she said. "Love doesn't.” ~ Mitch Albom "The Five People You Meet In Heaven"
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” ~Mary Anne Radmacher
If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you. ~Winne the Pooh
Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. ~Dale Carnegie
The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel. ~Steven Furtick
The biggest obstacles in life are the barriers our minds create. ~Unknown
Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I built my life. J.K Rowling
I am at that ledge where the choice is offered. I am carrying another life, but the choice is still mine... I cannot say that it was actually my will that has kept me from choosing to go with you. I would like to think that I am a loving mother, that I had hoped for a child long enough that I could not simply cast off that dream. But I am sure there is another, stronger will at work. If it were simply up to me, I think I would simply relax into death... Dying seems easy. Living is hell. ~Stephanie Ericsson, "Companion Through the Darkness"