Change...

The only thing that never changes is change itself.  It’s bound to happen.  You can’t stay frozen in a moment, an era forever.  Even if you want to.  Looking back over what is and what has been, I know I’ve changed.  For the better, but also for the worse.  Some of my flaws have become amplified without someone beside.  I have less patience for others.  I snap easier.  I’m moodier.  I’m anxious.  But I’m also stronger in my convictions.  More confident in my abilities.  More passionate about what matters to me.  It’s hard to appreciate the blue sky when you are rishing from point A to point B, but I make a point of doing it anyway.  Because tomorrow might be a cloudy day.  I’ve changed.  And not just from the person I was in those early days after Kurt’s death.  I’m a different person than I was before, too.  I’m not sure I would recognize the old me if I was given a chance to go back and meet her...

But every so often, something brings me to my knees.  Takes me back there, to the person I was.  There isn’t always warning.  I don’t always know why.  Just sometimes... there I am.  Driving to work today, for no apparent reason, the old thoughts came back.  Questions that used to haunt me, that I haven’t really thought of for years.  And all I could wonder was what his last few seconds were like.  Did it hurt?  Did he know?  Did he try to call out?  Did he think of Gavin?  Did he think of me?  And all I could do was wonder.  And all I could do was cry.  It’s been three hours, with those thoughts.  Old enemies.  Old friends.  I can’t get them out of my head.

But those old thoughts, though they visit me once and a while, will not be around forever.  Things change.  The world, the people in it.  The next second will not be the same as the last.  That’s what gets me through the tough times.  And helps me want to see what’s coming up ahead...

Change.....