Gavin turned six today. I have met every birthday with trepidation, tears. The fact that his dad never got to experience even one hangs heavy in the air. Dampens what should be a purely happy day with tears. I will admit I cried this year too. I had a good moment last night, after tucking my five year old son in for the last time, when i let the feelings over come me, and I cried. Hard. But as I watched my son today, I realized something. Kurt may not have physically been here to watch his son blow out the candles on his cake, but he's here nonetheless.
There is no question about nature vs nurture in my house. My six year old boy is so much like the father he only briefly knew. In every breath Gavin takes, Kurt is here. He's here in the way his son cocks his head and slants his eyes. The way he curls up beside me with his head on my lap when we watch moves on the couch. The way he runs to video games. The way he is attracted to Star Wars. The way he hates reading, but loves to count and play with numbers.
Kurt is here.
He's with me when the single star appears in the night sky. When the breeze blows across my face. When the roses bloom, and the leaves turn red and die.
Kurt is here.
He's with me when his face interrupts my sleep in my dreams. When I swear I hear him stomping up the empty stairs. When a city bus passes by our front door. When his face is the last thing I look at, hanging on the wall, as I drift off to sleep. When our song by our band wakes me up in the morning.
Kurt is here.
He's with me whenever I think of him and smile. Whenever I think of him and cry. Whenever his son asks me to tell him a story about his dad. Whenever I look into the eyes of his son.
Kurt is here.
So even though tears may fall on October 5th or 6th, and probably will every year in those quiet moments spent alone, I will not dwell on the sadness. For although I miss his physical presence immensely, I know he isn't far away. He's around me in so many ways.....
Kurt is here....
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