I'm Still Here....

I don’t come here much anymore. It’s been over a year. I’ve passed an anniversary. A Christmas. A new year. Kurt’s 40th birthday. And many other days which were big to me, but unimportant to anyone else. And I haven’t felt a need to put it out there.

Things have definitely changed.

People still ask me how I am doing. The truth – the honest truth that no one wants to hear – is that I don’t know. I’m not good. But I’m not bad. I just kind of am. Stuck between yesterday and tomorrow. Just getting through each day.

August will mark 5 years since we lost Kurtis. And a lot has changed since then. To me, within me, and in the world around me. I don’t cry myself to sleep any longer. The rings are tucked away safely – my left hand and the chain around my neck are bare. I don’t wait for him to come home, kiss the picture of him that hangs on my bedroom wall, or reach for him in the middle of the night. I don’t know which pillow he slept on, and can now sleep on “his” side of the bed or eat at “his” chair at the table without too much trouble. But I do admit to longingly fingering the last few pieces of his clothing that hang in the closet, every now and then. Staring at his face as I drift to sleep at night. Pausing to smell that one remaining deodorant of his I just can’t throw away. Physical reminders that that part of my life was real. That he was real. It wasn’t just the dream it sometimes now seems to be...

He’s still a part of my day to day. I still talk to him when I need help. Sometimes yell at him when things aren’t going right. And think of him at some point every single day. I can now accept that he will always be with me, on some level. That I will always love him. Always miss him. And a part of me will always long for what could have been.

I know that we would have been living a very different life. A different house. Probably a different family arrangement. A different reality. And although I accept my present, I would trade a lot just to step foot in that alternate reality for just a moment – that one where he and I are celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary with our larger family. Just to taste what I often wonder about. How life could have been...

I still live with the scars of that day. I still can’t take a bath. I wear earplugs in the shower. I freeze at the sight of an ambulance. I still see things, hear things that transport me back in an instant. I’m still seeking professional help to get me through those reminders. But like everything, these too have become my norm. I hate them. But I deal with them. Because I have no choice. This is the life I’ve been given.

I won’t say I’ve moved on. Not even really moved forward. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t, or because I’m afraid. Because moving forward also implies moving farther from him. But I have moved. I’m no longer where I was. I don’t know if this is a better place. But it’s a different place. And when I look back at those deep, dark days immediately following, I can honestly say that anything different is good.

And so where do I go from here? And why did I come back here, to a place full of some of my darkest days, to announce that my world is not as dark, but not as bright either?

I don’t know. I see a change. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’ve found people I can trust. And learned that even then, sometimes silence simply is best. But I want people to know that I’m still out here.

Wherever here is.

I think I may be back here more often. I miss it, miss seeing my thoughts appear as words. Miss knowing others have heard those words. Or maybe not. If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that you take things as they come. Do what feels right in the moment.

Because the moment is all there is.....

It

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You never really get used to it.  As the four-year anniversary looms on the horizon, that's one thing I can say for certain.  For me, anyway.

You learn to accept it.  To expect it.  The knives don't pierce as deep.  The pain may not last as long.  But deep within your gut its still there.  A longing.  Hurt.  Emptiness that I don't think will ever go away.

You learn to keep up with the rest of the world.  To make it all a part of you, but not have it control you.  To smile.  To laugh.  To enjoy the fact that you are living.  To actually live again.

You learn to make things manageable, even better for yourself.  And life, in the end, really does go on.  You move from surviving to thriving.  But it never completely goes away.

Its too much a part of you.  It's changed you.  In many ways, its made the you you are today.  You can spend your days fighting it, or simply embrace it.  Acknowledge it.  Allow yourself to feel it.

And then let it fade into the background of your life.  Until it is given reason to rise again.

Some say its like learning to dance with a limp.  But I think its more than that.  It's learning to dance all over again.  A different dance.  A new dance.  Sometimes fast, sometimes slow.  Sometimes partnered.  Sometimes alone.

Its never far away.  Its always there.  It's who I am.  And always will be, from that day forward.

You never really get used to it.......

Changes

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I am not the same person I was the day that Kurtis died.  I have come to accept that.  And its not a bad thing.  I have not necessarily changed for the better, or the worse.  But I have changed.  Things inside and outside me are different.  And so I stand here today, looking around, ready to make some changes.  It’s taken a long time to get to the point where I can admit that changes are necessary.  Where changes are welcomed.  Where changes are needed.  But that is where I stand today.  I have to live my life differently, for it is a different life.

I’m starting to think it is time to open my heart to the possibility of a new relationship.  Not necessarily with someone else but, more importantly, with the new me.  To accept where I have been, what I have become.  And not worry so much about what may happen.  Our future is not written in stone.  I’m not really sure its written at all...

Change is scary.  But its also exciting.  Life is an adventure.  You need to live it.  Because it may be over far too soon...

Some things will never change.  My love for Kurtis.  My longing for a future together which will never be.  I can’t change my past – our past.  But I can change the future.  My future.  To make it a good one.  

After all, I’m living for both of us now....

One of Those Days

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I'm having one of those days.  Where things just seem hard.  Where I don't want the life I have been given.  Where I can't see the beauty of the first through the shade cast by the trees.  And then I look at the calendar.  Tomorrow is the 11th.  More often than not it happens that way....

My body, my mind, my soul seems to work on a calendar which I cannot control.  Even if I don't know the date, this time of the month gets me down.  The days are darker.  The nights are longer.  And things just seem too hard.  And then it lifts.

In my "other" moments, I'm starting to believe I may be doing okay.  Starting to walk, instead of just place one foot forward.  Some days, even trying to run.  But today my feet are bound by quicksand, and my mind is stuck in overdrive.  Wishing for something different.  Wishing for someone more.

Its the days like this I wish I could escape from forever.  But fear that I never really, 100% will.  The 11th is lurking around the corner, whether I know it or not...

The only good thing in days like today is that I have learned no day lasts forever.  And somewhere, sometime, there is a better day up ahead....

Lighting the Way...

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Things have been going good as of late.  I don't know if its the new drugs, a new job, a new workout routine, a new year or simply a new outlook.  Probably a bit of all of the above.  But things, they are a-changing.  Slowly.  I have noticed that some days seem a little brighter.  The future seems a little bigger.  I am no longer thinking 24/7 about ways I wish to die.  There are moments - sometimes fleeting, sometimes lasting - that I think things will be okay.

People around me are noticing it too.  Parents, friends.  Even our four year old boy has seen a change in his mommy.  And that gives his mommy all the push she needs to keep pushing forward.

Life still isn't a bed of roses.  The PTSD symptoms still haunt me.  I still have flashbacks.  I still wake up in a cold sweat.  I still have moments when I am incredibly sad.  I still think of ways to end it all more often than any person should.  I can't even think of taking a bath.  And there still isn't a day that goes by without a tear or two.

I still miss Kurt like I never thought it possible to miss someone.  I think of him all the time.  There are days, like today, that I can't seem to get him off my mind.  But as one day moves into the next, and the days without him become more and more, I am slowly getting used to the fact that I am alone....  Its resignation more so than acceptance.  But I guess its a start.

I feel so guilty as I write this.  Feel that things should not improve, should not change.  Feel that in some way, this lessens my feelings for Kurt.  Makes his death matter just a little less.  I know this is false.  But I also know that as I kept the pain alive, in some strange way it felt as though I was keeping him alive too....  It still does, I guess.  That's why its so hard to let it all go...

Today, right now, at this moment I look at the years ahead with trepidation.  I know my life as a solo widowed parent fighting some pretty big mental demons is not a life to envy.  The stress load is almost as heavy as the hurt.  I live in fear that tomorrow will bring another crash, another heartache.  I live in hope that it won't, but suspect there will always be one lurking around the corner.  I am more scared of the future than I think I have ever been in my life.  I know it is not going to be easy.  Tomorrow or the day after.  But I'm strong.  I never thought I could get this far.  I hope can do it.  I pray that some day the world will seem lighter, and the burden a little less heavy.  That I can weather this storm until that day arrives...

After all, I have a pretty good guardian angel on my side lighting my way....