Trapped: The Mime in the Box

Image can be found here....

We've all seen images of mimes.  Pushing frantically against invisible walls, trying to break out of the proverbial glass box.  I'm beginning to feel a lot like those mimes do.

Trapped.  In a box only I can see.

A lot of things have been drawing me back to that day as of late.  A day I really haven't visited in detail in almost two years.  A day I really don't want to see.

I've walked through that day in counselling.  In explicit, vivid detail.  A sudden death in the office place took me back as well.  To a place I've been and never want to be again.  Yet it seems I can't escape.

Couples walking hand in hand.  Fathers Day cards lining the walls.  Children running to their daddies.  Roses breaking out in bloom.  Books lining the bookstore shelves.  

Memories.  Triggers.  Flashbacks.  Dreams.  They all draw me there.    I'm running on a treadmill, getting no where fast.  Like a hamster on the wheel.

Or a mime in the box.

How do you escape a box that seems to have no exit?  How do you escape yourself?  Your life?  

My needs.  My obligations.  My responsibilities.  They all seem to tie me down, chain my wings.

Everything is driven by what happened yesterday.  My past controls my present.  My present controls my future.

Tears seemingly permanently painted on my face.

My scream shatters my ear drums.  Yet no one else seems to hear.

Just like the mime.....

I Cry...

Image can be found here...

Every night ends the same.  At about this time, as the world around me is either fast asleep or going to bed.  Silent tears for the one I love.

Sometimes the tears come in torrents.  Sometimes one or two just trickle down the face.  Most days, like today, its somewhere in the middle.  Tears released to free myself from the emotions I have purposely hidden during the day.  Private tears for what is becoming a more private grief.

I welcome the release.  I have come to understand that to be "okay" for 23 hours of the day I have to let myself go for the remaining one.  Or two.  Or sometimes more.

But I dread these hours at the same time.  The closet tears.  The closet emotions.  It further isolates me from the rest of the world.  Makes me feel alone.  Like no one understands or accepts me.  The real me.  The person who still cries.  Still hurts.  Still misses.

Still loves....

To those who do not know about this night time ritual, it may almost appear at times as though I am "getting over it."  Moving on.  Truth of the matter is I don't think I will ever move on.  Move forward yes.  I'm learning how to do that.  But to move on you have to leave certain things behind.  These tears prove I'm not ready to do that.  I don't think I ever will be....

At the same time, they say the human body is 50-65% water.  I've cried a lot of tears over the past months.    Some days I wonder if the well will ever run dry.  If I will sit down and realize I have no tears left.  Or that I don't need the tears any longer.

I look forward to that day.

I dread that day.

And today, in this moment, I know that day may never come.

It's not here today.

And so, before I turn out the light on this day, I cry......

Lessons Learned

Image courtesy of Linh.ngan

They say experience is the best teacher.  And sometimes you have to live it to learn it.  Life has taught me some tough lessons.  About life itself.  About other people.  About myself.  Some of the lessons have been easy.  Some have been bitter pills to swallow.  Some I understood right away.  Some I'm still trying to accept.  Here are just a few....

• Life is fragile.  Life is fleeting.  Appreciate what you have – even in the rough times – because tomorrow it could be different.  Or it could be gone.

• The mind is powerful.  Thoughts can drive you forward, but they can also hold you back.  They can trap you in places you never wanted to be.  Even the most solid of minds can turn against you and bend under pressure.  I am not immune.

• “Whatever you need” and “whenever you need it” don’t really mean whatever and whenever.  They come with restrictions.  And time limits.  Just because people promise they will be there doesn’t mean they will.  On a similar note, true friends don’t tell you they’ll be there.  They come without asking.  Nothing eases the hurting heart more than the reaching out of a friend.

• Humans are resilient.  I am resilient.  Even when I feel weak, I am stronger than I ever knew possible.  Even in the depths of hell, when things seem at their bleakest, somewhere inside is the will to fight through and carry on.

• Its okay to cry.  Necessary even.  Its a proven fact that tears release toxins.  But they release so much more.

• The most comforting words in the English language are not “Its Okay.”  Not even “I love you.”  In times of trial, sometimes all one needs to hear is “I am here” or “I understand.”

• I can’t do it all on my own.  Nor should I have to.  It takes a community not only to raise a child, but to nurture an adult.

• Social networking can be lifesaving.  It connects you with people you never imagined, to networks you’d never know are out there.  There really is power in numbers.  We are better together.

• Things could always be worse.  I’m lucky.  I have experienced pain.  I have experienced loss.  But I have also experienced joy.  While I am not thankful for many things happening in my life today, I still have much to be thankful for.

• The past influences you.  But it does not define you.  Only you can do that.

• You can run from yourself.  But you'll never be able to hide.  The truth catches up with you in the end.

• Life is not fair.  Not every fairy tale ends with a happily ever after.  Forever only means a life time, not an eternity.  But life is still life.  Your only life.

• By just them being who they are, even the youngest of children can be a hero.  They really can save a life just by being there.  Mine has.  Many times over.

• Tomorrow always comes.  Even if you don’t want it to.  Even if you are not there to see it.  The sun will always rise on a new day.  Life goes on.

• Love is forever.  Just like life sustaining water, it changes forms.  But its always there.  People die.  Love doesn’t.

Letting Go

Image compliments of BrittanyBush

It started with his things, shortly after he died.  His sock and underwear drawer was the first to go.  Followed by his half of the closet.  His shoes.  His toothbrush and shampoo.  Recently bigger things have been walking slowly out of my life.  Things that formed his identity. That brought him so much pleasure.  His car.  His satellite radio.  His guitar.  His playstation.  Now we’ve moved to a different dimension.  The faucet he so proudly installed is no longer.  Neither is the alarm system he insisted we have.  The electronic thermostat he swore over.  The door lock we upgraded right after we were married.  And most recently, the car seat I remember him adjusting to perfection the day we brought it home.  All things that brought back memories every time I touched them.  Memories of him.  All things that are now removed.  Replaced.  Gone.

With every piece that walks out of my life, it feels like a little piece of him is leaving too.  Without the object to run my hand over, the memory seems like just that – a memory.  Less tangible.  Less real.  My past, not my present.  Just like him.

I cling to those objects that remain.  His T-shirts, all full of holes.  His cologne bottle now half empty.  His comb.  And as strange as it may seem to those on the outside, his half-used deodorant stick. I'm afraid that replacing them will in some was lessen my connection to the man to which they are associated and the life that we had.  I want to move on.  To make things my own.  But I am afraid.  Afraid moving on means moving beyond.  Afraid that without something to hold on to I will begin to forget.  That the past will seem more distant.  More dream like.  More final.

With every object that leaves, I cry again.  For it.  For him.  For me.  I know the past can’t come with me into the future.  I know that things do not carry the memories.  And I know I must let go of a little of yesterday if I am to find room to make a tomorrow.

Its just that I don’t want a tomorrow without him.  Its so much easier to hold on tight than it is to slowly, piece by piece, thing by thing, let go.......

And feel him drift farther away..........

Rest of Forever

Much sooner.

I wish I'd had you our entire life....

I wish I'd had you my entire life...

In some ways, I'm lucky.  I have you for a long time.

You're never leaving.

I have you for the rest of Forever.

Moon

"I am tired, beloved, of chafing my heart against the want of you; of squeezing it into little ink drops, and posting it. And I scald alone, here, under the fire of the great moon." ~Amy Lowell

It was amazing supermoon out there last nite.... And just like that, with one glance into the night sky, my mind wandered right back to you....