It started with his things, shortly after he died. His sock and underwear drawer was the first to go. Followed by his half of the closet. His shoes. His toothbrush and shampoo. Recently bigger things have been walking slowly out of my life. Things that formed his identity. That brought him so much pleasure. His car. His satellite radio. His guitar. His playstation. Now we’ve moved to a different dimension. The faucet he so proudly installed is no longer. Neither is the alarm system he insisted we have. The electronic thermostat he swore over. The door lock we upgraded right after we were married. And most recently, the car seat I remember him adjusting to perfection the day we brought it home. All things that brought back memories every time I touched them. Memories of him. All things that are now removed. Replaced. Gone.
With every piece that walks out of my life, it feels like a little piece of him is leaving too. Without the object to run my hand over, the memory seems like just that – a memory. Less tangible. Less real. My past, not my present. Just like him.
I cling to those objects that remain. His T-shirts, all full of holes. His cologne bottle now half empty. His comb. And as strange as it may seem to those on the outside, his half-used deodorant stick. I'm afraid that replacing them will in some was lessen my connection to the man to which they are associated and the life that we had. I want to move on. To make things my own. But I am afraid. Afraid moving on means moving beyond. Afraid that without something to hold on to I will begin to forget. That the past will seem more distant. More dream like. More final.
With every object that leaves, I cry again. For it. For him. For me. I know the past can’t come with me into the future. I know that things do not carry the memories. And I know I must let go of a little of yesterday if I am to find room to make a tomorrow.
Its just that I don’t want a tomorrow without him. Its so much easier to hold on tight than it is to slowly, piece by piece, thing by thing, let go.......
And feel him drift farther away..........
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