The mornings are getting cooler. The days are getting shorter. The nights are getting longer. Back to school pictures are flooding my newsfeed as fast as pencils are flying off the shelves at Walmart.
Fall isn’t far away.
Since Kurt died, the change of seasons has been a melancholy experience. Its an outward, visible reminder that time keeps marching along. As much as I beg for it to stop – or even just slow down – soI can catch up, it keeps on moving. Tomorrow becomes today. Today fades to yesterday. The future becomes the past. The past slips further away...
And as the days progress, and seasons change, my days without him continue to grow. He becomes further away too. His face is only a photograph. His voice only an echo. His touch only a memory.
There’s grass to be cut. Soon lawns to be raked, and snow to be shoveled. Then lawns to be raked again, flowers to plant, and gardens to tend. Day by day, time marches on. The world outside didn’t stop when my heart broke. The earth continues to circle the sun. Lives go on. Even mine.
I’m noticing the change of seasons – the progression of time – is not as hard as it once had been. I don’t fight it any more. I just let it happen. It will, after all, happen anyway. There’s no useresisting. But I can’t help but look out the window and realize this is another season he will never see. Another blade of grass which he never walked upon. Another rain shower he never felt. My collection of things without him is becoming larger than my collection of things we did together. And that is a bitter pill to swallow. A reality I just don’t want to face.
October is bookended by Gavin’s birthday at the beginning, and Halloween at the end. Both are things Kurt never got to experience. Every memory of Gavin blowing out the candles or collecting the candy is mine. I’m starting to prepare for those days to roll around again. We are slowly making our own memories – Gavin and I. There are things we have done, days we have had, which give me reason to look back and smile. But there is a shadow off to the side in every image. A spot where Kurt should have been.
I’ll cut my grass, rake my lawn, and shovel my snow without him. I will mark the change of the season, the progression of the year. One Fall in the not-too-distant future I will be buying those pencils for Gavin, posting those pictures of my own grown-up little man.
You can’t stop the Earth from spinning. Can’t stop the hands of time. Might as well hold on tight...
Like the song whose lyrics sit on the side of this blog - the song I play when i need a push - says: Life ain't always beautiful. Sometimes its just plain hard. Life can knock you down, it can break your heart... But the struggles make you stronger. And the changes mak you wise. And happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time... No, life ain't always beautiful. Tears will fall sometimes. Life ain't always beautiful. But its a beautiful ride...
Just like the changes that come with the changing of the seasons. The passing of time. Its not easy. But it has flickers of beauty. It is a beautiful ride...
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