I've been struggling as of late. Really struggling. This isn't so much grief any longer. Actually, part of it is still is. That's what triggered it, fuels it. But its morphed into something much more sinister...
And so I find myself writing here because there is no one to talk to. No one who hears me. I'm hoping that you - whoever you are - is out there, listening. That maybe you understand.
Or want to.....
I've fought this monster called depression for most of my life. I'm just coming to terms with that fact now. Its always been there in some shape, some form. My glass has never ben full. But its only in the past little bit that it has really reared its ugly head. Making me question myself, my existence, my happiness, my future, my hope.
Only now, when I look in the mirror, does no one stare back. I wonder not whether my days on this earth are numbered, but when they will end.
I know I should be happy. I'm in the prime of my life. I have a wonderful child. A loving family. A decent job. A house. Financial security. On the outside, it looks like I have so much to be thankful for. But the outside is only paper thin....
I'm not happy. Far from it.
And when i reach out, looking for someone to share my life with, I always seem to come up short. Empty. Alone. Not because there is no one out there. But because I don't feel like I can trust anyone with this side of me. I'm protcting myself. And hurting myslf in the process.
Which is why I am here today, right now, writing to no one in particular. Talking to you.
Its like throwing your voice - your hopes, dreams, desires, fears, sadness, and everything else - to the wind. Hoping the breeze will carry it far enough away that someone will catch it. And care. And be able, in some way, to help...
This is my breeze. This is my wind. These words are my story. This is my last chance to be heard.
Are you out there?????
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