Woke up and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. I thought of you, and where you'd gone. Let the world spin madly on. Everything that I said I'd do, like make the world brand new, and take the time for you, It just got lost and set right through the dawn, and the world spins madly on. I let the day go by, I always say goodbye. I watch the stars from my window sill, the whole world is moving, and I'm standing still. Woke up, wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed. The night is here, and the day is gone, and the world spins madly on. Thought of you, and where you'd gone, and the world spins madly on. The world spins madly on. ~The Weepies "World Spins Madly On"
I always knew there was a time when the world would return to its normal routine, and leave me standing in its dust, still trying to catch my breath. I think the moment I first felt that way was a few days after the funeral. The calls stopped. The cards ceased. And life resumed for everyone but me. Then there was the day, about a month later, when my parents left and I was left alone. Again, the people around me were finding their way back to normal. And I was left behind at a standstill, wondering what normal was.
Those were two of many.... Time moves quickly. The world changes fast. And it didn't take long for me to be left in its dust.
I feel like I've been playing catchup ever since that day. Not really trying to catch up to this moment. More like climb back to where I was the day before. Trying to jumpstart my life. Recharge my battery. Except I'm not even sure the battery can hold a charge any more...
I feel like the world is moving farther and farther away from me. That people are tired of waiting for me. So they have gone on, leaving me alone and forgotten. One by one, even those who have been with me since the beginning, who promised to see me through, are giving up and passing me by.
Its not that I haven't moved anywhere in the past 32 months. In fact, when I look at the me that was and the me that is, I know I have moved leaps and bounds. I've forced myself to the moon and back multiple times, all the while carrying the extra cargo that comes with my life. But I guess my moon is not their moon. Because when I got there, and looked ahead, no one was waiting. No one even left a note to tell me where they were headed. They just carried on....
Here's the thing. Whomever said that it was not the destination that mattered but the journey has never taken the trip that I am on. Or at least not in the manner I have taken it. Because this journey sucks. And I just want to get "there" - wherever "there" is - and be done with it. And I don't see an end. I don't see the promise of an end. I see more of the same. Different flavours, same poison, stretched out before me...
In my days as a Girl Guide, I learned that when you were lost in the woods you should stay put and someone will come and find you. I can admit I am lost. And so I sit, and wait. And wait. And wait. But I'm more than lost. I'm buried. There is no evidence I am out there. And there is no one who is going to come and find me.
Not any more. They are all too far away.
People die in the woods, waiting for their rescue parties to arrive... Sometimes it really doesn't make you stronger. Sometimes it really does kill you.
I'm losing my will to fight. To survive. I don't know if its about Kurt any more. Or me. Or something bigger than the both of us, either together or apart. All I know is that with every passing day I feel a little more isolated. I have no where to go, and nothing to turn to. I look in the mirror and wonder if I am doing anyone a service by being here. If I should continue to exist at all, if the world would notice if I chose this moment to forfeit the journey and take my exit.
And the world spins madly on......
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