Change...

The only thing that never changes is change itself.  It’s bound to happen.  You can’t stay frozen in a moment, an era forever.  Even if you want to.  Looking back over what is and what has been, I know I’ve changed.  For the better, but also for the worse.  Some of my flaws have become amplified without someone beside.  I have less patience for others.  I snap easier.  I’m moodier.  I’m anxious.  But I’m also stronger in my convictions.  More confident in my abilities.  More passionate about what matters to me.  It’s hard to appreciate the blue sky when you are rishing from point A to point B, but I make a point of doing it anyway.  Because tomorrow might be a cloudy day.  I’ve changed.  And not just from the person I was in those early days after Kurt’s death.  I’m a different person than I was before, too.  I’m not sure I would recognize the old me if I was given a chance to go back and meet her...

But every so often, something brings me to my knees.  Takes me back there, to the person I was.  There isn’t always warning.  I don’t always know why.  Just sometimes... there I am.  Driving to work today, for no apparent reason, the old thoughts came back.  Questions that used to haunt me, that I haven’t really thought of for years.  And all I could wonder was what his last few seconds were like.  Did it hurt?  Did he know?  Did he try to call out?  Did he think of Gavin?  Did he think of me?  And all I could do was wonder.  And all I could do was cry.  It’s been three hours, with those thoughts.  Old enemies.  Old friends.  I can’t get them out of my head.

But those old thoughts, though they visit me once and a while, will not be around forever.  Things change.  The world, the people in it.  The next second will not be the same as the last.  That’s what gets me through the tough times.  And helps me want to see what’s coming up ahead...

Change.....

I'm Doing OK

I sit here as the minutes drift away and another August 11 fades into history.  Five years have come and gone since those six minutes changed my life.  I look at everything that has happened - in my world, in Gavin's world, and in the world around me and just shake my head in awe.  How can one life, which mattered so much just end?  And how has everything happened despite it?  Those minutes, though ancient history, still seem so real.  And yet so very far away....

I announce to those who ask that I am doing okay.  And I am.  In a relative sort of way.  Gone is the sobbing, heart breaking pain which over took everything I did.  I move throughout the world I now live in, actively involved in things around me.  I find pleasure where there used to be pain.  Smiles are genuine.  Moments are memories to be treasured.  I have made a life for me, for Gavin.  For us.

And yet while I move through this world, I still do so with a hole in my heart.  A hole which will never be plugged, never be filled.  A place at the table which is empty.  A hand which is never held.  I still feel ripped apart when I see couples together, blissfully unaware of the realities which some day will surround one of them.  I feel cheated.  I feel incomplete.

I feel sad.  

And I've accepted that it will probably always be that way.  A part of me will always long for that which I cannot have.

I miss Kurt.  I miss his touch, his smell, his voice.  I miss rolling over at night and putting my arm around him.  Reaching for his hand as he drove the car.  Running my fingers through his hair.  Putting my head against his chest and hearing that beating heart.  I miss feeling loved.  Feeling safe.  But more so, I miss who I was when I was with him.  I miss the innocence.  The bliss.  The genuine, 100% no need to hide it happiness.

I miss him.  I miss me.  I miss us.  An us that can never again happen.  An us that has been gone such a long time, and yet not long enough for me to forget how good it felt....

I know there are good things in store for me in the year ahead.  I know it will not always be easy, but I know I can get through.  And I know that I want to be here to see how things play out.

I just want to be here with him.  Together...

I announce to those who ask that I am doing okay.  And I am.  But I'm still sobbing as I type this.

And I still miss him.