I'm Doing OK

I sit here as the minutes drift away and another August 11 fades into history.  Five years have come and gone since those six minutes changed my life.  I look at everything that has happened - in my world, in Gavin's world, and in the world around me and just shake my head in awe.  How can one life, which mattered so much just end?  And how has everything happened despite it?  Those minutes, though ancient history, still seem so real.  And yet so very far away....

I announce to those who ask that I am doing okay.  And I am.  In a relative sort of way.  Gone is the sobbing, heart breaking pain which over took everything I did.  I move throughout the world I now live in, actively involved in things around me.  I find pleasure where there used to be pain.  Smiles are genuine.  Moments are memories to be treasured.  I have made a life for me, for Gavin.  For us.

And yet while I move through this world, I still do so with a hole in my heart.  A hole which will never be plugged, never be filled.  A place at the table which is empty.  A hand which is never held.  I still feel ripped apart when I see couples together, blissfully unaware of the realities which some day will surround one of them.  I feel cheated.  I feel incomplete.

I feel sad.  

And I've accepted that it will probably always be that way.  A part of me will always long for that which I cannot have.

I miss Kurt.  I miss his touch, his smell, his voice.  I miss rolling over at night and putting my arm around him.  Reaching for his hand as he drove the car.  Running my fingers through his hair.  Putting my head against his chest and hearing that beating heart.  I miss feeling loved.  Feeling safe.  But more so, I miss who I was when I was with him.  I miss the innocence.  The bliss.  The genuine, 100% no need to hide it happiness.

I miss him.  I miss me.  I miss us.  An us that can never again happen.  An us that has been gone such a long time, and yet not long enough for me to forget how good it felt....

I know there are good things in store for me in the year ahead.  I know it will not always be easy, but I know I can get through.  And I know that I want to be here to see how things play out.

I just want to be here with him.  Together...

I announce to those who ask that I am doing okay.  And I am.  But I'm still sobbing as I type this.

And I still miss him.