Kurt is here...

Gavin turned six today.  I have met every birthday with trepidation, tears.  The fact that his dad never got to experience even one hangs heavy in the air.  Dampens what should be a purely happy day with tears.  I will admit I cried this year too.  I had a good moment last night, after tucking my five year old son in for the last time, when i let the feelings over come me, and I cried.  Hard.  But as I watched my son today, I realized something.  Kurt may not have physically been here to watch his son blow out the candles on his cake, but he's here nonetheless.

There is no question about nature vs nurture in my house.  My six year old boy is so much like the father he only briefly knew.  In every breath Gavin takes, Kurt is here.  He's here in the way his son cocks his head and slants his eyes.  The way he curls up beside me with his head on my lap when we watch moves on the couch.  The way he runs to video games.  The way he is attracted to Star Wars.  The way he hates reading, but loves to count and play with numbers.

Kurt is here.

He's with me when the single star appears in the night sky.  When the breeze blows across my face.  When the roses bloom, and the leaves turn red and die.

Kurt is here.

He's with me when his face interrupts my sleep in my dreams.  When I swear I hear him stomping up the empty stairs.  When a city bus passes by our front door.  When his face is the last thing I look at, hanging on the wall, as I drift off to sleep.  When our song by our band wakes me up in the morning.

Kurt is here.

He's with me whenever I think of him and smile.  Whenever I think of him and cry.  Whenever his son asks me to tell him a story about his dad.  Whenever I look into the eyes of his son.

Kurt is here.

So even though tears may fall on October 5th or 6th, and probably will every year in those quiet moments spent alone, I will not dwell on the sadness.  For although I miss his physical presence immensely, I know he isn't far away.  He's around me in so many ways.....

Kurt is here....

If You're Happy and You know It...

If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands.....

There isn’t much clapping going on in my house.  Not by me, anyway.  On the surface maybe.  But not deep down where it really matters...

I remember the last time I was truly happy.  Not the happy and sad bittersweet smile though the tears kind of happy.  But the everything in this life is as it should be there’s nowhere else I’d rather be feeling.  It was 8:30 on August 11, 2010.  The time Kurt stepped into the bathroom and closed the door.  And for about a half hour after, until I suspected something was wrong.

In those moments I had everything I had ever wanted.  I was completely at peace with my situation.  Nothing could go wrong.  Nothing was a big deal.  Like I said, I was happy.

Since that time, I’ve moved through the “phases” in varying degrees.  I’ve been angry, sad, scared, worried, confused, dazed, anxious, depressed.   And many more that I’ve never felt before and will hopefully never feel again.  Some of which don’t even have names...  I’ve even been content, satisfied, at ease.  But I can’t recall a moment where I have been just plain happy.  There’s always something else mingling about, tampering the moment, dulling the joy.

It’s starting to wear on me.  I look in the mirror, and see the lines on my face that have come from sleepless nights of worry.  I see the dark rings and red hue under my eyes that come from days of tears.  I feel older.  Far beyond my years.  Everything is an effort.  Nothing seems to come easy.  These changes are my scars.  Grief scars, if you may.  Some people wear their scars like a badge of honour.  I wear mine like a ball and chain.  Pulling me down.  Another weight on shoulders which some days cannot carry any more burden.

I long for those days when I was happy.  I see others around me, and wish I could relive them again.  There’s an adage that states you never know what you have until you no longer have it.  It rings true for more than just relationships and material possessions.  It rings true for emotions too...

If you’re happy and you know it then your face will surely show it.

If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands....

Change...

The only thing that never changes is change itself.  It’s bound to happen.  You can’t stay frozen in a moment, an era forever.  Even if you want to.  Looking back over what is and what has been, I know I’ve changed.  For the better, but also for the worse.  Some of my flaws have become amplified without someone beside.  I have less patience for others.  I snap easier.  I’m moodier.  I’m anxious.  But I’m also stronger in my convictions.  More confident in my abilities.  More passionate about what matters to me.  It’s hard to appreciate the blue sky when you are rishing from point A to point B, but I make a point of doing it anyway.  Because tomorrow might be a cloudy day.  I’ve changed.  And not just from the person I was in those early days after Kurt’s death.  I’m a different person than I was before, too.  I’m not sure I would recognize the old me if I was given a chance to go back and meet her...

But every so often, something brings me to my knees.  Takes me back there, to the person I was.  There isn’t always warning.  I don’t always know why.  Just sometimes... there I am.  Driving to work today, for no apparent reason, the old thoughts came back.  Questions that used to haunt me, that I haven’t really thought of for years.  And all I could wonder was what his last few seconds were like.  Did it hurt?  Did he know?  Did he try to call out?  Did he think of Gavin?  Did he think of me?  And all I could do was wonder.  And all I could do was cry.  It’s been three hours, with those thoughts.  Old enemies.  Old friends.  I can’t get them out of my head.

But those old thoughts, though they visit me once and a while, will not be around forever.  Things change.  The world, the people in it.  The next second will not be the same as the last.  That’s what gets me through the tough times.  And helps me want to see what’s coming up ahead...

Change.....

I'm Doing OK

I sit here as the minutes drift away and another August 11 fades into history.  Five years have come and gone since those six minutes changed my life.  I look at everything that has happened - in my world, in Gavin's world, and in the world around me and just shake my head in awe.  How can one life, which mattered so much just end?  And how has everything happened despite it?  Those minutes, though ancient history, still seem so real.  And yet so very far away....

I announce to those who ask that I am doing okay.  And I am.  In a relative sort of way.  Gone is the sobbing, heart breaking pain which over took everything I did.  I move throughout the world I now live in, actively involved in things around me.  I find pleasure where there used to be pain.  Smiles are genuine.  Moments are memories to be treasured.  I have made a life for me, for Gavin.  For us.

And yet while I move through this world, I still do so with a hole in my heart.  A hole which will never be plugged, never be filled.  A place at the table which is empty.  A hand which is never held.  I still feel ripped apart when I see couples together, blissfully unaware of the realities which some day will surround one of them.  I feel cheated.  I feel incomplete.

I feel sad.  

And I've accepted that it will probably always be that way.  A part of me will always long for that which I cannot have.

I miss Kurt.  I miss his touch, his smell, his voice.  I miss rolling over at night and putting my arm around him.  Reaching for his hand as he drove the car.  Running my fingers through his hair.  Putting my head against his chest and hearing that beating heart.  I miss feeling loved.  Feeling safe.  But more so, I miss who I was when I was with him.  I miss the innocence.  The bliss.  The genuine, 100% no need to hide it happiness.

I miss him.  I miss me.  I miss us.  An us that can never again happen.  An us that has been gone such a long time, and yet not long enough for me to forget how good it felt....

I know there are good things in store for me in the year ahead.  I know it will not always be easy, but I know I can get through.  And I know that I want to be here to see how things play out.

I just want to be here with him.  Together...

I announce to those who ask that I am doing okay.  And I am.  But I'm still sobbing as I type this.

And I still miss him.

Do You Know These Women?

 Do you know these women?  They all look alike.  They are not sisters, nor twins.  In reality, beside the face they show to the outside world, they have very little in common...

The woman on the left is happy.  Recently engaged, this photo was taken by the love of her life just down from what would be their wedding venue on the day they signed the contract, on a camera they bought as an early gift to each other in anticipation for their upcoming honeymoon.  She has the world by the string.  Everything is right.  Everything is finally coming together.  She is finally the woman she always wanted to be.  And nothing can go wrong.

The woman on the right is broken.  Less than two months ago she buried her husband.  She is barely holding it together.  In fact, she's not really holding it together at all.  Her life has no purpose.  No meaning.  She's doing what she feels she has to, but doesn't want to be there.  In fact, if anyone actually asked her, she would probably tell you that beyond the smile you see, she's actively planning a way in which to die....

And this woman on the left just is.  She's not nearly as happy as in days gone by.  But she's no longer broken either.  Five years post-loss, she's picked up the pieces and somewhat haphazardly glued them back to together.  Her road is still bumpy, but she's learned to find meaning in the little things, learned to  hold onto the past and let it go simultaneously.  Learned that its okay to see a future - even if she doesn't know what that future is.  This woman still cries.  But she laughs as well.  Her definition of the perfect life is changing.  Just as is her notion of who she is herself...

There are eight years between the first and last picture.  In those eight years, has been an entire lifetime.  Or two.  A gamut of emotions few can fully comprehend.  And while the smile has not really changed, its probably the only thing that links the woman in the beginning to the woman in the end... So much is hidden behind the things we choose to let the world see....

So what lays ahead for this woman?  Is she finally who she was destined to be?  Or is there another incarnation, another opportunity to be someone new?

You never know what lays around the corner.  What bump, what turn, what sign will change your course forever.  Life is not a straight line, and the person you are today may not be the person you are tomorrow.  There are so many things that exist, that happen, that are completely beyond our control...

I still look at that first woman, and wish I could have lived that life forever.  You don't realize how lucky you are to be 100% happy, until that happiness is stripped away.  I wonder how her last eight years would have played out.  What her future had in store.  But I also realize that everything that has happened in my life, everything positive I have done and everything I have become, would have never materialized had that woman not given way to the others.  I like who I have become - most of the time, anyway.  And I know that whatever happens, however many changes lay in store, the woman of my future is richer, wiser, and overall better because of every woman who has come before me.

And that when it's all said and done, and its finally time for her to take her well-deserved rest, she will be able to look back on the many versions of herself that have passed through her life,and know that she is the bestir of each and every one of them.  And that she is okay...