Breath of Fresh Air

Image courtesy of h.koppdelaney

Another widow joined the club not long ago.  A woman that I probably would have never been aware of - whose circumstances would have only caused a sad head shake and passing glance had they not ben so strikingly similar to my own.  A faceless name in an obit.  An email message across my mailbox.  Now I can't get that woman off my mind.  The pain she is feeling.  A pain she feels no one else could ever understand.  But I do.....

Thinking about her I am vicariously reliving those earliest days.  Days that passed in a blur.  Days I wish I never had to remember, but can't really forget.  But in reliving those early days, I notice so many emotions that have become my constant companion.  Sadness.  Pain.  Loneliness.  Anger.  Fear.  Confusion.  Abandonment.

And progress......

Looking around when things are at their worst, I feel like I've gotten nowhere.  That I'm stuck.  Crazy-glued, if you will, to the undeniably horrible moments of my life.  That I'll never be happy again...

But when I'm forced to go back to those days, I realize I'm not there any more.  I have moved.  Baby steps in some ways.  Giant leaps and bounds in others.  But in a world where grief has shackled my feet and made every step so difficult, I'll take all the forward movement I can.

I no longer lay in bed every morning wishing I were dead.  Wishing for a few more moments of sleep perhaps, but not wanting to cover my head and lay there forever.  While the moments may be fleeting, I can admit that I have been happy.  Or at least less sad.  When I look at pictures, there is a glimmer of hope.  Slowly life is replacing death in my eyes.  Or the two are learning to coexist...

I know there is a world out there.  And I know that while Kurt's place in it may be over, mine is not.

I'm still finding my new place in this world.  The obstacles are still huge.  The road is still slow going.  The path is still clouded with sadness and fear.  I still think of my husband with every passing minute.  I still miss him with every bone in my being.  And I still cry uncontrollably as I type this...

I don't know if the worst is behind me.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  When the next rush of sadness will knock me down on my knees.  Send me running for cover.  I know there are plenty more moments like that lurking out there.  Silent triggers.  Silent memories.  Silent tears.  Silent pain.

But when you have tasted death as  intimately as I have - when you have wished it on yourself for so long - every taste of life is a breath of fresh air.