Ho Ho Hell

I've been quiet as of late.  Not because I haven't had anything to say, but because I haven't had the energy to find the words to say it.  I'm getting rather disheartened with the reality of the situation.  Becoming complacent.  Believing that this is where I will always be.  And when I get like that, the words on this page just seem empty.  Pointless.  A lot of effort for minimal results.  No one really reads it anyway.  And if they do, they don't really care.  I might as well be talking to the wind....

I shouldn't be surprised this slump is coming on.  The holiday build up is again upon us.  And I'm finding this one harder than last year.  Much harder....

I used to love the holidays.  My mind can easily rewind to those days years ago when my mom and I would spend every weekend out looking at the different ornaments.  The highlight of my year was dressing the tree.  Putting up the lights.  I loved everything Christmas.

Kurt didn't share the same excitement I did.  So I made it my mission to convert him.  To make him love it all as much as I did.  Year after year, I got frustrated as he sat on the couch watching while I decorated the tree alone.  He said h didn't want to do it wrong.  I think it didn't really matter.

And then Gavin came along.

That first Christmas as a family was the holiday of my dreams.  He decorated the tree with me, our infant son watching.  He was actively involved in selected the gifts.  He turned on the Christmas music.  It was the first holiday as a family - a real family.  Just the three of us, alone, in our house.  Starting our new traditions.  It was perfect.

It was our only holiday like that.

Next Christmas, Kurt would be dead.

The joy of the season was shattered along with my heart.  I still love Christmas lights.  I still silently stand in awe at the perfectly decorated Christmas tree.  From a distance.  But to partake in the build-up, the festivities is different.  As Gavin gets older, and gets more excited about the holidays, I know I should too.  Instead, the list of things to do reads to me like a grocery list.  I'll get them done.  I'll feign a smile.  I'll cry an inward tear.  There is no joy in what is happening.  As wonderful as it is to watch my son's face light up - as much as that part still does bring some amount of genuine joy - the activities surrounding the season are chores more so than celebrations.

Buy the gifts.  Check.  Order Christmas cards.  Check.  Picture with Santa.  Check.  Put up the tree.  Check.

Just more obligations - things I must do in my attempt to give Gavin as normal a life as I can.  Things I must do to show the world that life does continue to go on.  Its like the crystal vase that is dropped, shattered, and glued back together.  Parts of it still sparkle.  Its still functional.  But its full brilliance is gone.

Its never the same.....

I'm finding this year bothers me more than the past.  I've been away for the past few weeks, on the other side of the world where, apparently, there are more important things to worry about than flaunting materialistic ambitions in pursuit of the perfect single day.  When I left this country, Halloween was just leaving the shelves.  Trees were popping up in department stores, but for the most part were still undecorated.  Things were still relatively normal.

Returning, I have found myself thrown full force into ho-ho hell.  Christmas is already all over the place.  My facebook feed is full of pictures of trees brightly lit.  Christmas specials are appearing in prime time television.  My house is covered in Christmas lights.  The radio advertises a 24-hour Christmas station.  Santa has arrived in all the malls.  Even though the calendar still reads November, with exactly one month to go, it is everywhere.

I went from none to all overnight.  Thrown into the deep end without a chance to find my life preserver.  And I find myself swimming against the tide in an attempt to catch up....

Don't get me wrong.  I don't expect to hate everything that the next month has to offer.  Gavin's enthusiasm will, I am sure, rub off a little on me.  The one thing certain to make me smile is a smile from my little boy....  But even in those moments of joy, something will be missing.  My perfect holiday will never again be.  Christmas has lost its charm...

I know I should stop reaching back for perfection and try to be happy with what I have been given - cracks and all.   I'm working on it.

Now can someone please pass me the crazy glue......