Your Dad....

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Sitting on the couch early this morning, watching Caillou, Gavin looked over at me very matter of fact and stated “I don’t have a Daddy like Caillou, Mommy.” It hurt to hear those words. And know they are true. He doesn’t. Not the same type of daddy, anyway.

There was so much I wanted to tell my son right there, at that very moment. About the permanence and impermanence of life. About how things can both be and not be at the same time. Things that he would certainly not so fully understand. Things I don’t really understand. But I didn’t. Instead I reminded him that his daddy was dead, that mommy was still here, and that he was loved. The rest will come out when he's ready, in time.

But this is what my heart said. What I wanted to say. The conversation we will someday have:

You are right, Gavin. You don’t have a daddy like you see on TV. Your daddy cannot tickle you, or play with you, or tuck you in at night. He cannot teach you how to ride a bike, drive, shave, or tie a neck tie. He will never again read you a story, never toss you a football or a Frisbee. He will not shake your hand on the day you get married. Your daddy is very, very different from the daddies that your friends all have.

But sweetheart, please don't ever think that you don’t have a dad. Because you do. You always will.

I know your daddy loved you very, very much. He was so proud of his little boy, and couldn’t wait to see you become a little man. He cried the moment he first saw you. He was so happy.

He used to talk about racing remote control cars with you, building model planes and, yes, playing video games. He glowed when he showed you off, and always believed your baby babbles really did mean so much more. He would sing you Twinkle Twinkle Little Star when you could not sleep, and walk around the house holding you in his arms. He would play airplane to get you to eat your carrots, then hold you high in the sky and play airplane again. He would sing “Barbara Ann” and The Adams Family Theme song over again just to hear you say “Ba” and “Da”. He loved your laugh, loved your giggle, and loved your voice.  He called the little faint birthmark on your left leg your only imperfection. You were perfect in his eyes. You were his son.

Your daddy was a kid at heart, who needed a kid of his own to let that part of him come shining through. You were the light of his life. You always made him smile.

So Gavin, even though your daddy is not here, he is still your dad. He always will be. Because he gave you life. And love. Lots, and lots of love in such a very short time. And love lasts so much longer than mommies and daddies. Love like that lasts forever.

I know its tough to watch other children with their daddies, feeling like you don’t have one of your own. But daddy isn’t far away. 

When the monsters come out from under your bed, it is your daddy who frightens them away. When you are alone and feeling scared, your daddy silently wraps his arms around you and keeps you safe. When the wind blows your hair, your daddy is running his fingers through it too. When you have an itch that will not go away, you can be sure your daddy is tickling his little man. When the hairs on your neck stand up straight, when a chill runs down your spine, you will know your daddy has your back. When you feel you cannot go on, when something is too hard, he will help you try one more time. 

Your daddy is your special friend. You can talk to him, and he can hear you even when you don’t say the words out loud. And when you need his advice, and feel something deep inside, that’s your daddy talking back to you. He will guide you, he will teach you, he will protect you, and he will speak to you in ways that neither you nor mommy understand right now. Ways that neither you nor mommy can predict. But when they happen, you will know. Your dad will never leave your side. He will never be far away.

And while I’m sure it feels like something is missing, I want you to remember what you do have. You have an angel, always watching out for you from above. And you also have a mommy who will do anything for you right here on earth. A mommy whose only purpose is you. And only you. Your mommy cannot be your daddy. I will not try to be. But I want you to know that you can come to me whenever, with anything. I will dry your eyes, and kiss the booboos away. I will tie your ties, and cry at your wedding, and many days before... I will tickle you until it hurts to laugh, and at the end of the day tuck you in safe and sound. I will read to you until I can’t read any more. I will throw you the Frisbee, and take that remote control car off my bedroom shelf so we can race it together. 

 And I will talk about your daddy. Answer any questions you have the best way I can. And make sure you know how lucky you were.

And how lucky you are.