Christmas has come, and Christmas is soon to be gone. Looking back, at this time last year I blogged about how Christmas was just another day. I was right. And I was wrong. Its not. It can't be.
This year, it did seem a little easier. I smiled more. I laughed easier. I attribute that in part to simple time. This is my third Christmas without Kurtis. There's not a lot of thoughts, memories. or emotions that will sneak up on me any longer. I know what I will think. What I will miss. What will bring a tear to my eye or a smile to my mouth. And I'm prepared to let them come.
Time has done something else, though, as well. It has thickened my skin a lot - for the good and for the bad. The little triggers that used to really get to me don't penetrate beyond my skin any longer. They don't reach my heart. Its an amour I have created out of necessity, to function in a world that has no time for excessive drawn out emotions. And it seem to be working well. And on the flip side, those emotions that do escape from my heart don't always pass to the outside. I can be heart broken, sad, and aching inside. But on the outside smiling and dry eyed. Again, its a protection mechanism. For me and those around me.
And it seems to be working.
I also attribute the differences to Gavin. Its hard to be sad when you are caught up in the midst of three-year old wonder, understanding what is happening for really the first time. Its been a long time since there has been a child in the house on Christmas morning. I forgot what that was like....
But now, as the lights on the tree are extinguished, as people retreat to their own separate quarters, and as Gavin blissfully sleeps, I find my armour coming off, flaking away in pieces. Revealing to me, and only me, what lays beneath.
This is the first time today I have et my true emotions show - all of them.
It still hurts. I still miss him. I still wish more than anything that he was here, to share this with me and our son. I can't help but think back to that first family Christmas - our only family Christmas. Our only Christmas in our house. That was the perfect holiday. The image of Christmas cards. And it wasn't because of where we were. Or what we did. I can't even really remember many of the finer details.
It was because we were together.
And that will never happen again....
Family is still an integral part of the holidays. And as my parents sleep across the hall, and my sister and her partner sleep down below, I look over at the cold lonely bed, and am faced with the fact that I, again, will sleep alone.
No decked halls, no twinkling lights, no wrapped gifts, no stuffed birds will change that. That's the way it will always be.
Christmas will never be the same. It will never be picture perfect. It will never be as I want, as I hope. As I need.
It will be okay. It will be enjoyable. We will get through. But it will not be right.
Because he will not be there.....
You take the good with the bad. You make the best of what you have. I'll take the magic as it comes. I'll enjoy, and appreciate, the moments that allow me to smile. But I'll also pause in silent reflection as it comes to a close. Remembering what was. What should have been. What could have been. And what isn't.
I hope wherever you are, and whomever you are with, that your holidays too had some magic. Its back to reality tomorrow......
Merry Christmas to all. And to all, a good night.
No comments:
Post a Comment