“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” ~ Oprah Winfrey
And so here we are again. Another full revolution of the sun has happened. Another year come and gone. Another complete calendar year Kurt was not here to experience, to see.
As I look back on the year that was, I see a lot of blank spots, big holes where he should have been. But I also see a certain three-year old boy and that boy's mom who are, together, starting to work around those spots. Not fill them - for he cannot be filled, cannot be forgotten, cannot be replaced - but rather embrace them. Work around them. Work with them. Make those blank spots a part of the picture, rather than the focus of the image.
In other words, I see progress. Some days a lot. Other days, very little. In some aspects leaps and bounds. In other, barely a step. But its there. Its happening. My grief journey and my life journey are, little by little, redefining themselves and blending into one.
As Homeland said in their song, "Time changes everything, life must go on..." It is said the only constant in this world is change. And Gavin and I, our lives are a-changing. Pushed forward if by nothing else but inertia, today becomes tomorrow, and before you know it, tomorrow becomes next year.
I miss Kurt. Immensely. I know Gavin does too - albeit in a different and maybe not as raw a manner. And deep down, my longing for him, my longing to be with him, my longing in general is still as strong as ever. As is my love.
I want to say, as I reflect on the year that was, that I see Kurt in the spaces of our family, our lives. I don't. Not really. I still wrestle with the desire for him to exist on some level, and the possibility that I may be completely wrong. And while I do believe I have felt him, I don't know if that was really him, or me simply feeling me wishing I could feel him. Wishing so hard that it feels like its true...
No. Kurt was not there. Kurt will never again be there. But as the days pass and I see more and more of him in Gavin and, yes, in me too, I realize that parts of him will, in fact, live on forever. When you mix salt and pepper together, you can never completely isolate and separate the substances. So it was, it is, with him and I......
And in that way, part of me died that day. And part of him lives on right now.
And so another day, another month, another year will dawn. And he will not be here to see it. And yet, he will. And it is my job to carry forward, making sure that as much of him as possible is carried forward in our daily lives. I am the torch. And he is the flame.
I don't make resolutions any more. I never really did, but now even less than ever. Because its rather futile, presumptuous even, to pledge what you will do over the course of the year when nothing more than this very instant is guaranteed, is promised, is in your control. But I can make some pledges on what I will do, to the best of my ability, with the time I am given. However much that is...
I will try. I will live. I will give to Gavin all I can give of myself, my time, remembering that I am human. I will beg for help. I will make mistakes. I will fail. I will succeed. I will laugh. I will cry. I will probably ask more than once for permission to give up. I will question why I am still here. I will beg for permission to join him. I will shake my fists at scream at the reality I have been given. Then I will pick myself up and go about that reality the only way I know how. I will miss Kurt. I will love Kurt. I will love Gavin. I will try to at least like myself. I will be.
And that will be enough.
I will not promise that 2013 will be the best year ever. But I will try, to the best of my ability, to make it a little better than the last one. And hopefully, if I am able, will be able to stand at the same place at this time next year, and say that I have succeeded, then proceed to do the whole thing again.....
"Here's to the New Year. May she be a damned sight better that the old one, and may we all be home before she's over." ~Col. Potter MASH - "A War For All Seasons".
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