Sometimes there really is nothing to say. I want to write how I'm feeling. What I'm thinking. But instead I stare at a blank screen, hit the little x in the corner, and walk away.
Sometimes there are no words.
Today feels like one of those days. Where there's a story to be told, but no words to tell it.
I've ben doing not too bad. Riding the waves, weathering the storm. But as I sit here today, tears streaming down my face, I realize that beneath the surface its always there. You can avoid it. Hide it. Ignore it. Stuff it. But you can't get rid of it.
I don't know why tonight, why now. But I really, really miss my husband.
He's been gone 29 months today. Last month, the 11th passed with little fanfare. I knew what day it was. And what had happened on that day months before. But it didn't control me. Really, I hardly gave it more than a thought. I had to stop and count to figure out how many months had come and gone.... I saw real progress. And I smiled. For me.
This month, the 11th again slices my soul. And I cry. For us. The flashbacks take me back to that day, that moment. And I realize that wherever I am, however I am doing, I can never really escape it. Escape him. And those tears will come in those quiet moments of silence at the most unexpected times, whether I want them to or not.
There's no one to notice. No one to care. No one to talk to. No one to wipe them away. No one to be there.
And so I'll walk away from this screen, tears in my eyes and a hole in my heart. And wait for the moment to pass.
Alone.....
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