Happy Birthday

Kurtis at three years old....

He should be 38 tomorrow.  He should be wearing the goofy moose hat, smiling the big lopsided smile.  My husband, who will remain 35 forever.

People spend thousands of dollars every year trying to tap into the fountain of youth.  Kurt found it.  He will never grow old.

And here I sit again, getting ready to celebrate him without him.  There's a crowd gathering tomorrow in his honour.  Some are coming to remember.  Some are coming to support Gavin and I.  Some are coming for both.  Some are probably just coming for the food.  Whatever their reason, I'm glad I am not left to honour him alone....

I'm older now than Kurt will ever be.  Probably wiser too, because my current view of the world, appreciation of the moment would never have existed if he still did.

Yet as I sit here, looking at his smiling face and remembering happier birthday celebrations in years past, I cannot come to terms with the fact that I have lived more days on this earth than he.  Its scary, really.  Because with my appreciation of the moment comes the unavoidable truth - I could drop dead any moment.  I am not too young to die.

It happened to him.

Kurtis at 30 years old....

I'm trying hard, for this one day, to put aside his death.  Instead, I want to focus on his life.  Not only 35 years of it, but all 35 years of it.  A life lived, even if it was only for too brief a time.  A life that brought me to him, and Gavin to us.  And changed the three of us in ways I still have not uncovered.

I want to celebrate the person who was, and still his legacy is still, rather than the man who is no longer.

And when Gavin blows out the lone candle on top of Kurt's special slice of cake, I want to be able to watch with a smile.

Because it was a good life.  A full life.  A complete life.

And while he may never age beyond those 35 years, year in and year out he lives still in the hearts, minds, and memories of those who he left behind.

Kurtis at 35 years old.....

Happy birthday Kurtis.

I love you more today than the day I married you.  And miss you twice as much as that.

Always Yours.....