Apparently according to the ancient Mayan calendar, some time in the next 24 hours the world is about to end. And my first response is that I'm not too sorry to see that happen. Not my current world, anyway.
As the end of our current civilization is drawing near, it seems a perfect time to look back and reflect. And look forward, just in case they were wrong. Do I really want the world to end? If it does, what will my legacy have been? What did I do right? What did I do wrong? What could I do better?
For the most part, I'm proud of the life I have lived on this world. If it were to end today, I can't say I have many regrets. Looking back, there were three things I always wanted.
I wanted to be a wife. And I was. Am. I won the heart of a wonderful man. I was loved unconditionally. I had a marriage that I know many could only dream of. I know I look around today and often consider myself one of the unluckiest persons alive because of the way it ended. But I also know I am the luckiest. Because we never grew out of love. We fulfilled the promises we made on the day I took his name. We loved until death did us part. There are so many people who cannot say that is the case....
I wanted to be a mother. And I am. Its not always easy, but its the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I don't know what I expected. I didn't expect the range of emotions that sometimes come with the job. But I can say I am so very, very proud of the little man I know I have had a huge hand in raising. As am much as I dread much of the years to come, I want to see this journey to its end.
I also wanted to be a figure skater.... Okay, two out of three isn't bad.
But would I have lived my life differently had I known it would all come crashing to a halt today. Or will I live my life differently should I survive to see tomorrow? I can't really say. I played the cards I had, in the moment I was given. I don't think I would change that. There are some things, however, that I want to do....
I want to love harder, in the moment. Never let an opportunity go by to tell the ones I love how much they mean to me. I don't want to put off the good stuff until tomorrow. I don't want Gavin to have to wait "until he is older" if we can do it today. I want to puddle jump first, and do the dishes later. Because each and very one of our world's could end at any moment. And I'd rather be found with wet feet from a puddle than wet hands from the sink...
I want to smile at the sunrise. Dance in the rain. Laugh when I'm happy. And even cry when I'm sad.
I want to live.
I've spent a large part of my life planning for the future. Saving for a rainy day. Waiting for tomorrow. The Mayans knew that there would come a time when tomorrow would not come. I now know it too.
Its a tough pill to swallow. A hard lesson to learn. But I want to be able to pack up the sorrow, and use it to push me forward rather than hold me back.
And I want to take skating lessons with Gavin.
No regrets......
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