I'm not going to play the entire day as doom and gloom. Things really do get easier with practice, and with time.... A four-year old light in the room is enough to push away most of the shadows. Especially on Christmas morning. And as the day played out, it was okay. Yes, I thought of Kurt often. Yes, I missed him. And yes, I wished he was here to experience what I was... To see what I saw. Yes, I longed for my husband's hand on my lap at the dinner table, just as my sister and her partner across from me. Yes, I longed for his Christmas hug, his Christmas wish. I longed to hear him laugh like a little boy, smile with excitement. I longed to watch him race my son to the top of the toboggan hill. And I long to be climbing into be with him right now.
I think I've come to accept that a part of me will always long for those things. Long for the days of my past. Long for my husband. And I'm okay with that. I think.
But as I sit here now, reflecting on all that was - both today and in the years that have come before, I realize that Christmas... that any day, really... will never be 100% the same again. There is a certain sparkle, a certain magic that is not brought by Santa Claus. Not even brought by my husband. Its brought my me. Created because I am, or was happy. That is the sparkle, the magic, of Christmas that is gone. I still feel like the fifth wheel, the odd man out in a world built for two. I am not comfortable with myself, my surroundings. My life. I have secrets that are bogging me down, holding me back. I have emotions even I don't understand. Three years later, so much of my life remains ineffable, not because I don't want to, but because I simply do not have the words...
I don't know if its possible to find that same happiness again. Don't now if it was ever really mine to begin with.... And I think I'm just coming to terms with that...
Christmas is not about gifts. Not about turkey. Not about twinkling lights. The magic is not created by the people we surround ourselves with, the traditions that we diligently follow. Rather, it is created by the innocence in our hearts. The belief that things really are as they should be, even for just a moment, just a day. Created by the fact that we are happy with ourselves. Christmas magic is really nothing more than an exaggerated sense of feeling good.
Which is why, perhaps, I feel little magic.
And so tonight, as I turn off the last light in the house and settle down for my own restless sleep, I do so with a heavy heart. Which is nothing new. I hold that same heart daily.
My son has had a magical, wonderful Christmas. I don't think I can capture that again. But little by little I see the light. And with each ray, the promise of magic exists still...
But as I said in the beginning, it wasn't all half bad today. In fact, except for these late night moments of introspection, it was pretty good. Gavin made sure of that. And you don't necessarily need magic or perfection to be merry...
Hoping you all had a very Merry Christmas. And that you were able to taste, if only for a moment, a little magic.
We all need more magic in our lives.....
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