Do You Know These Women?

 Do you know these women?  They all look alike.  They are not sisters, nor twins.  In reality, beside the face they show to the outside world, they have very little in common...

The woman on the left is happy.  Recently engaged, this photo was taken by the love of her life just down from what would be their wedding venue on the day they signed the contract, on a camera they bought as an early gift to each other in anticipation for their upcoming honeymoon.  She has the world by the string.  Everything is right.  Everything is finally coming together.  She is finally the woman she always wanted to be.  And nothing can go wrong.

The woman on the right is broken.  Less than two months ago she buried her husband.  She is barely holding it together.  In fact, she's not really holding it together at all.  Her life has no purpose.  No meaning.  She's doing what she feels she has to, but doesn't want to be there.  In fact, if anyone actually asked her, she would probably tell you that beyond the smile you see, she's actively planning a way in which to die....

And this woman on the left just is.  She's not nearly as happy as in days gone by.  But she's no longer broken either.  Five years post-loss, she's picked up the pieces and somewhat haphazardly glued them back to together.  Her road is still bumpy, but she's learned to find meaning in the little things, learned to  hold onto the past and let it go simultaneously.  Learned that its okay to see a future - even if she doesn't know what that future is.  This woman still cries.  But she laughs as well.  Her definition of the perfect life is changing.  Just as is her notion of who she is herself...

There are eight years between the first and last picture.  In those eight years, has been an entire lifetime.  Or two.  A gamut of emotions few can fully comprehend.  And while the smile has not really changed, its probably the only thing that links the woman in the beginning to the woman in the end... So much is hidden behind the things we choose to let the world see....

So what lays ahead for this woman?  Is she finally who she was destined to be?  Or is there another incarnation, another opportunity to be someone new?

You never know what lays around the corner.  What bump, what turn, what sign will change your course forever.  Life is not a straight line, and the person you are today may not be the person you are tomorrow.  There are so many things that exist, that happen, that are completely beyond our control...

I still look at that first woman, and wish I could have lived that life forever.  You don't realize how lucky you are to be 100% happy, until that happiness is stripped away.  I wonder how her last eight years would have played out.  What her future had in store.  But I also realize that everything that has happened in my life, everything positive I have done and everything I have become, would have never materialized had that woman not given way to the others.  I like who I have become - most of the time, anyway.  And I know that whatever happens, however many changes lay in store, the woman of my future is richer, wiser, and overall better because of every woman who has come before me.

And that when it's all said and done, and its finally time for her to take her well-deserved rest, she will be able to look back on the many versions of herself that have passed through her life,and know that she is the bestir of each and every one of them.  And that she is okay...

I'm Still Here....

I don’t come here much anymore. It’s been over a year. I’ve passed an anniversary. A Christmas. A new year. Kurt’s 40th birthday. And many other days which were big to me, but unimportant to anyone else. And I haven’t felt a need to put it out there.

Things have definitely changed.

People still ask me how I am doing. The truth – the honest truth that no one wants to hear – is that I don’t know. I’m not good. But I’m not bad. I just kind of am. Stuck between yesterday and tomorrow. Just getting through each day.

August will mark 5 years since we lost Kurtis. And a lot has changed since then. To me, within me, and in the world around me. I don’t cry myself to sleep any longer. The rings are tucked away safely – my left hand and the chain around my neck are bare. I don’t wait for him to come home, kiss the picture of him that hangs on my bedroom wall, or reach for him in the middle of the night. I don’t know which pillow he slept on, and can now sleep on “his” side of the bed or eat at “his” chair at the table without too much trouble. But I do admit to longingly fingering the last few pieces of his clothing that hang in the closet, every now and then. Staring at his face as I drift to sleep at night. Pausing to smell that one remaining deodorant of his I just can’t throw away. Physical reminders that that part of my life was real. That he was real. It wasn’t just the dream it sometimes now seems to be...

He’s still a part of my day to day. I still talk to him when I need help. Sometimes yell at him when things aren’t going right. And think of him at some point every single day. I can now accept that he will always be with me, on some level. That I will always love him. Always miss him. And a part of me will always long for what could have been.

I know that we would have been living a very different life. A different house. Probably a different family arrangement. A different reality. And although I accept my present, I would trade a lot just to step foot in that alternate reality for just a moment – that one where he and I are celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary with our larger family. Just to taste what I often wonder about. How life could have been...

I still live with the scars of that day. I still can’t take a bath. I wear earplugs in the shower. I freeze at the sight of an ambulance. I still see things, hear things that transport me back in an instant. I’m still seeking professional help to get me through those reminders. But like everything, these too have become my norm. I hate them. But I deal with them. Because I have no choice. This is the life I’ve been given.

I won’t say I’ve moved on. Not even really moved forward. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t, or because I’m afraid. Because moving forward also implies moving farther from him. But I have moved. I’m no longer where I was. I don’t know if this is a better place. But it’s a different place. And when I look back at those deep, dark days immediately following, I can honestly say that anything different is good.

And so where do I go from here? And why did I come back here, to a place full of some of my darkest days, to announce that my world is not as dark, but not as bright either?

I don’t know. I see a change. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’ve found people I can trust. And learned that even then, sometimes silence simply is best. But I want people to know that I’m still out here.

Wherever here is.

I think I may be back here more often. I miss it, miss seeing my thoughts appear as words. Miss knowing others have heard those words. Or maybe not. If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that you take things as they come. Do what feels right in the moment.

Because the moment is all there is.....

It

Image can be found here....

You never really get used to it.  As the four-year anniversary looms on the horizon, that's one thing I can say for certain.  For me, anyway.

You learn to accept it.  To expect it.  The knives don't pierce as deep.  The pain may not last as long.  But deep within your gut its still there.  A longing.  Hurt.  Emptiness that I don't think will ever go away.

You learn to keep up with the rest of the world.  To make it all a part of you, but not have it control you.  To smile.  To laugh.  To enjoy the fact that you are living.  To actually live again.

You learn to make things manageable, even better for yourself.  And life, in the end, really does go on.  You move from surviving to thriving.  But it never completely goes away.

Its too much a part of you.  It's changed you.  In many ways, its made the you you are today.  You can spend your days fighting it, or simply embrace it.  Acknowledge it.  Allow yourself to feel it.

And then let it fade into the background of your life.  Until it is given reason to rise again.

Some say its like learning to dance with a limp.  But I think its more than that.  It's learning to dance all over again.  A different dance.  A new dance.  Sometimes fast, sometimes slow.  Sometimes partnered.  Sometimes alone.

Its never far away.  Its always there.  It's who I am.  And always will be, from that day forward.

You never really get used to it.......

Changes

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I am not the same person I was the day that Kurtis died.  I have come to accept that.  And its not a bad thing.  I have not necessarily changed for the better, or the worse.  But I have changed.  Things inside and outside me are different.  And so I stand here today, looking around, ready to make some changes.  It’s taken a long time to get to the point where I can admit that changes are necessary.  Where changes are welcomed.  Where changes are needed.  But that is where I stand today.  I have to live my life differently, for it is a different life.

I’m starting to think it is time to open my heart to the possibility of a new relationship.  Not necessarily with someone else but, more importantly, with the new me.  To accept where I have been, what I have become.  And not worry so much about what may happen.  Our future is not written in stone.  I’m not really sure its written at all...

Change is scary.  But its also exciting.  Life is an adventure.  You need to live it.  Because it may be over far too soon...

Some things will never change.  My love for Kurtis.  My longing for a future together which will never be.  I can’t change my past – our past.  But I can change the future.  My future.  To make it a good one.  

After all, I’m living for both of us now....

One of Those Days

Image can be found here...

I'm having one of those days.  Where things just seem hard.  Where I don't want the life I have been given.  Where I can't see the beauty of the first through the shade cast by the trees.  And then I look at the calendar.  Tomorrow is the 11th.  More often than not it happens that way....

My body, my mind, my soul seems to work on a calendar which I cannot control.  Even if I don't know the date, this time of the month gets me down.  The days are darker.  The nights are longer.  And things just seem too hard.  And then it lifts.

In my "other" moments, I'm starting to believe I may be doing okay.  Starting to walk, instead of just place one foot forward.  Some days, even trying to run.  But today my feet are bound by quicksand, and my mind is stuck in overdrive.  Wishing for something different.  Wishing for someone more.

Its the days like this I wish I could escape from forever.  But fear that I never really, 100% will.  The 11th is lurking around the corner, whether I know it or not...

The only good thing in days like today is that I have learned no day lasts forever.  And somewhere, sometime, there is a better day up ahead....