Howling In The Moonlight

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The image of the solitary swan swimming lost in the lake, looking for its mate.  The lone bald eagle perched atop the mountain.  The solitary wolf howling in the moonlight.  You’ve see them.

Swans, wolves, and bald eagles mate for life.  So, too, do gibbons, angelfish, albatrosses, termites, voles, turtle doves, barn owls, beavers, coyotes, condors, sandhill cranes, pigeons, and ospreys.  Even the vulture mates for life.

So I guess its okay if I do too.  I’m in good company.

Part of the reason I find it so hard to let go of my relationship with Kurtis is that I am letting go of a dreram.  Ever since I was young, I wanted to be a wife.  To be loved by someone outside my immediate family.  And I was.  In a way that I can never see repeating again.  Yes, I know there are many widows and widowers who have gone on to wonderful chapter 2s, establishing relationships and families beyond the death of their loved one.  I just don’t see that ever happening to me.

What Kurt and I shared was irreplaceable.  I honestly believe I won the lottery with my first ticket.  And will not buy another.  Don’t get me wrong.  I want to love again, to be loved again.  I just don’t think it will ever happen.  I just can’t see there being a time when I will not compare, when I will not wish for what was. 

I have to find a way to come to terms with what I had, and be thankful that I had it.  Know that two years of love is enough to last me for a lifetime.  And then turn, alone to face my lake, my mountain, my moonlight.  Without him beside me.  

Yet embraced by him still...

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Ripples

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I sat watching Gavin throw rocks into a pond this afternoon.  The ripple flowing outward in concentric circles.  Getting larger.  Until they disappeared.

We are much like the rocks, falling randomly into the sea of humanity.  Yet over time our presence, our influence, spreads outward.  Getting larger.  Until we disappear.

I am not the only one who was influenced by Kurt, affected by his early passing.  Of course there was Gavin, influenced and affected even though he was too young to understand.  But as I watch life carry on around us, I realize more and more that others, too, are not the same person because Kurt met them.  In his 35 years, he spread his ripples wide....

We do not live in isolation.  We are a net creation of everything - and everyone - that we have touched or have, in some way, touched us....

It is a basic law of physics that energy is neither created nor destroyed.  The energy carried in the rock's movement is transfered to the water, causing the movement, the ripples.  But when the ripples have ceased, where did that energy go?  How has it changed the water around it?

In the same way, the legacy of a man is transferred to those around him.  Eventually, that man is no longer visible, the ripples of his existence fading and disappearing over time.  But those he has touched are not the same, and as each and every one of them go about their day to day, that legacy silently carries forward.  Even if you can no longer see it.

Just like the ripples on the pond....

Mothers Day

My first Mothers Day...

 

My first Mothers Day was special.  I guess everything in that first year is special, and that was no exception.  Kurt made me feel special.

My Mothers Days since haven't been nearly the same.  As a solo parent of a toddler, there was no one to make me breakfast in bed, or give me flowers or a sappy Mothers Day card.  Since Gavin isn't in school yet, there are no crayon drawings, painted clay pots, or popsicle stick wall hangings.  He doesn't know - doesn't care - what day it is.  I get up early, make breakfast, clean the kitchen, do the laundry, and run myself ragged until bed time, when I toss and turn and think about days gone by.  Really, with no one who really appreciates/recognizes/understands all I do, there is no day set aside to appreciate/recognize/understand me.  For all intents and purposes, its just another day. 

There is no Mothers Day.

And yet, as a solo parent of a toddler, I never have to share my son's affection, his love.  He tells me he loves me every hour.  I'm the only one.  I am the one who is there for every significant step.  I am the one whom he runs to for every scraped knee or hurt feeling.  I get every hug, every kiss.  I am not one of the two most important people in his world.  At three years old, I am his world.  And he is mine.

Every day is Mothers Day.

I guess I am lucky.  Its all in how you look at things.....

Happy Mothers Day to all the moms out there......

The Change

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"And I hear them saying you'll never change things . And no matter what you do it's still the same thing . But it's not the world that I am changing . I do this so this world will know. That it will not change me." ~Garth Brooks, "The Change"

Garth Brooks was wrong. The world will change you. Even if you don't want it to. Sometimes you have no choice.

I look back to August 10, 2010. There is no denying that I am not the same person I was that day. On the outside, maybe. But inside, where it really matters, the 24 hours which were to come started a process of change unlike anything I could ever have imagined. A total metamorphosis of sorts.

Out of necessity, I have had to do things I otherwise would not have done. Learn to light the pilot light. Take the car for an oil change. Use a power drill.

I've dealt with collection agencies. Lawyers. Banks. Estates. Financial planners. Life Insurance agents. Funeral homes. Mental health professionals. I've seen the good and bad in people.  

But there is so much more...

I have had to develop a greater reliance on myself.  I have become self-sufficient enough to make the big decisions alone, and stand beside them.  From day number two, when I was asked "cremation or burial", there has been no one to rely on but me.  

I have had to become more resourceful.  Getting by with what I have.  Finding ways to get the things done that I simply can't.  I've had to venture into the "man's" world - small repairs in the house, hiring contractors, dealing with people and things I would have looked to Kurt to do.

I've had to become more forceful.  Speaking up for me when I need it, because there is no one else who will.

I've had to become more independent, doing it on my own.  But I've also had to become more dependent, asking for help when I need it most.

I've had to tap into emotional reserves I didn't know I had.  I'm stronger than I ever imagined I could be.  But at the same time, weaker than I have ever wanted.  I've had to admit my faults, my limitations, my imperfections.  

I have been forced to change so many things I never wanted to change...

And my eyes have been opened wide, wide open.  I try to notice the little things, appreciate the moment.  Because the moment may be our last.  Even when depression has enveloped me, I try to live in the now - even though I often fail miserably - because the now is all we really have.  I set fewer long term goals, looking more to what we have in the here and now, because that's all we really have any control over.

I love harder, because I know how quickly love can be lost.  I appreciate those around me more, because I know they may not be there tomorrow.

There is no way, when the rug can be pulled out from underneath you, that you can stand up again completely the same as you were before.  Because you know more.  You are more aware of the danger, the risk, the reward.  Knowledge and awareness bring about change.

I can't say that all the changes have been good.  I trust less.  I hide myself more.  I am sadder.  Longing.  Lonely.  I see the dark before the dawn.  I have, in many ways, wrapped myself in a cocoon to keep myself from getting hurt again.  I long to feel safe.

But in nature, the cocoon that protects the caterpillar eventually gives way to the butterfly.  Hopefully, if I keep myself wrapped up but not cut off, one day I, too will emerge from the cocoon, spread my wings, and fly.

I will be different.  I will be changed.