The Change

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"And I hear them saying you'll never change things . And no matter what you do it's still the same thing . But it's not the world that I am changing . I do this so this world will know. That it will not change me." ~Garth Brooks, "The Change"

Garth Brooks was wrong. The world will change you. Even if you don't want it to. Sometimes you have no choice.

I look back to August 10, 2010. There is no denying that I am not the same person I was that day. On the outside, maybe. But inside, where it really matters, the 24 hours which were to come started a process of change unlike anything I could ever have imagined. A total metamorphosis of sorts.

Out of necessity, I have had to do things I otherwise would not have done. Learn to light the pilot light. Take the car for an oil change. Use a power drill.

I've dealt with collection agencies. Lawyers. Banks. Estates. Financial planners. Life Insurance agents. Funeral homes. Mental health professionals. I've seen the good and bad in people.  

But there is so much more...

I have had to develop a greater reliance on myself.  I have become self-sufficient enough to make the big decisions alone, and stand beside them.  From day number two, when I was asked "cremation or burial", there has been no one to rely on but me.  

I have had to become more resourceful.  Getting by with what I have.  Finding ways to get the things done that I simply can't.  I've had to venture into the "man's" world - small repairs in the house, hiring contractors, dealing with people and things I would have looked to Kurt to do.

I've had to become more forceful.  Speaking up for me when I need it, because there is no one else who will.

I've had to become more independent, doing it on my own.  But I've also had to become more dependent, asking for help when I need it most.

I've had to tap into emotional reserves I didn't know I had.  I'm stronger than I ever imagined I could be.  But at the same time, weaker than I have ever wanted.  I've had to admit my faults, my limitations, my imperfections.  

I have been forced to change so many things I never wanted to change...

And my eyes have been opened wide, wide open.  I try to notice the little things, appreciate the moment.  Because the moment may be our last.  Even when depression has enveloped me, I try to live in the now - even though I often fail miserably - because the now is all we really have.  I set fewer long term goals, looking more to what we have in the here and now, because that's all we really have any control over.

I love harder, because I know how quickly love can be lost.  I appreciate those around me more, because I know they may not be there tomorrow.

There is no way, when the rug can be pulled out from underneath you, that you can stand up again completely the same as you were before.  Because you know more.  You are more aware of the danger, the risk, the reward.  Knowledge and awareness bring about change.

I can't say that all the changes have been good.  I trust less.  I hide myself more.  I am sadder.  Longing.  Lonely.  I see the dark before the dawn.  I have, in many ways, wrapped myself in a cocoon to keep myself from getting hurt again.  I long to feel safe.

But in nature, the cocoon that protects the caterpillar eventually gives way to the butterfly.  Hopefully, if I keep myself wrapped up but not cut off, one day I, too will emerge from the cocoon, spread my wings, and fly.

I will be different.  I will be changed.