Fathers Day

I've really struggled with Fathers Day this year.  The need to commemorate vs the need for self-preservation.  To remember or ignore.  As we sit on the eve of the day set aside to mark Daddys, I'm still not sure whether we will do anything special, or let the day pass unmarked.

I know however, that the day will not go unnoticed.  While Gavin may still be too young to read a calendar, I am not.  Even without the BBQs, cheesy cards, and wrapped power tools, I know what tomorrow is.  Who it celebrates.

And who is not here.

In some ways, I find Fathers Day one of the hardest, most lonely days on the calendar.  Because no one stops to think about just how hard it is when the man who made me a mother, the man who was my son's daddy, is not here for me to share it with.

I've been told to direct my attention to the father figures in Gavin's life, using tomorrow to thank them for the role they have played in shaping my son.  But honestly, there has yet to be a man to step up to the plate and help much in that regard.  I haven't really needed it yet.  Gavin is only starting to need it a little now.  And besides, tomorrow is not "Strong male influence day".  It is father's day.  And dead or alive, you only have one father.

Gavin only has one dad.

No matter how many men come and go through my son's life, I hope he always remembers that, understands that.  That he knows just how much he was loved, and how much he meant to his dad.

That he realizes his dad would be here if he could.  And that his dad is always with him in some manner.

That he is so very much like his dad in so many ways.  And that that is not a bad thing.

I want to say Kurt would have been an amazing father.  I still believe he would have.  But cruel or not, the harsh reality of the world is that we will never really know.  He was still finding his place as a dad when he was ripped from our lives, when father and son were torn apart...

So I don't know what will be on my mind tomorrow.  The dad Kurt was.  The dad Kurt could have been.  The dad Kurt would have been. Or the dad Kurt never got to be.

Irregardless, I know I will be thinking of him.

And wishing he were here.

If you are a father for an hour, a year, or a decade, you are someone's father for life....

Happy Fathers Day Kurt.  We love you.