Everything about this situation is unreal, illogical. It defies the natural order of things. It definitely defies my order of things. Yes, I heard about it happening to others. But not to me. It was not in my plans. Even though I always had concerns about something happening to Kurt, I never really thought it would happen like this. And that everything since would play out the way it has.
This is not my life. This is not me.
As a young girl, you see your wedding. Your children. Or at least I did. A happy family sitting around the table, laughing over Sunday supper. I was not supposed to have to do it like this. Not supposed to have to do it alone. Not yet, anyway.
I always, deep down in my heart, in the secret places I never told anyone about, knew that some day I would have to bury my husband. I knew – not just suspected – that I would outlive Kurtis. But never, in my wildest dreams or darkest nightmares did I expect it to be then, like that. So soon.
It just isn’t the way things are supposed to be.
And so I sit here today, living a reality I never imagined, let alone wanted. Trying to make sense of the insensible. Find logic in the illogical.
Asking why, but knowing no good answer exists.
Asking how, but knowing no good answer exists.
From a distance, seeing me struggle with the remains of a life that once was so idyllic, pitying the person who has to survive it, yet admiring tht same person for doing so. And asking again “What am I really doing? How am I doing it? Why do I have to?”
How did this happen to me????
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