Yesterday

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I don't talk a lot about the day-to-day struggles that come with PTSD to anyone.  In many ways, its my own burden to carry, my own cross to bare.  I'm not really sure anyone would really get it if I tried.  I'm afraid of the "Oh come on now, Chrystal, its been three years" look that I see in everyone's face - even when they aren't really giving it.

You don't get it until it happens to you.  And even then, I'm not sure you really ever understand...

But lately, the PTSD has reared its ugly head.  Out of the blue, when I thought I was getting a grip on things, the flashbacks returned.  And if you've never experienced them, I'm not talking memories that won't go away.  I'm talking full out out of body experiences.  One moment I am here, in my room, my office, my car, or wherever.  The next I am in the bathroom, with Kurtis.  No obvious triggers.  No warning.  Just a snap of the fingers and I travel from here to there.

It's disorienting.  It's frustrating.  And its just plain hard.  Because I am throwing all my energy into overcoming the obstacles of and moving beyond the chains of the past.  Yet my mind keeps bringing me down, holding me back.

I really am chained to yesterday.

The day before yesterday I was a wife, not a widow.  I saw a future.  I smiled, I laughed.  I loved.  I lived.

The day before yesterday was about life, not death.  Now, not then.

Then yesterday came, and took it all away.

I know there are lessons in the events of yesterday.  Many I have learned.  Some still remain hidden.  I know I had to get through yesterday to become the person I am today.

Yesterday really was the most defining moment of my life thus far.  I'm not sure any future days will top it...

But I'm going to be frank.  Yesterday sucked.  And I know how it ends.  I really don't want to keep going back there.

So how do I tell my mind to settle down?  How do I really put yesterday aside so I can appreciate today and step unfettered into tomorrow?

A psychologist recently told me that there must be unfinished business in yesterday.  That pieces I have ignored, forgotten, or blocked hold the keys to unlocking the chains and moving beyond.  That I have to go back and uncover all the mysteries in order to go forward.

But its a little like being forced to watch a bad re-run over and over again.

I don't want to go there.

Yesterday is behind me.  It happened.  There's nothing I can do to change that.

I just wish it would leave me alone.....