Identity Crisis

It was early on in this journey that I posted something along the lines of "Who Am I".  A wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend, a widow.  The list went on.  Recently I've been asking myself the same question, but with a very different answer.

The above are all titles, roles I play.  But they are not me.

So who am I?  Honestly, I don't know.

I am 36 years old, and have no idea who I am.

I know who I used to be, years ago.  But then I met Kurt.  And the me became we.  Our lives so completely intertwined that we were not two distinct, separate people, but rather a completely new identity together.  Then half of that identity died.  The pieces of us lay scattered, like the broken dreams at my feet.  I've avoided those pieces for a long time, stepping over them, dancing around them.  Its time I sort through them.

In order to find out who I am, I have to face that person I was.  Look at the pieces that are left, and determine which pieces really are me, which are him, and which are us.  Which pieces can exist independently.  Which pieces I want to nurture.  And which pieces I have to leave behind.

The things that used to bring me joy now bring me pain.  The things I used to take for granted are now front and centre.  My strengths have become my weaknesses.  I am not who I thought I was.  I cannot be that person again...

I feel like a child, looking in the mirror asking themselves what they want to be when they grow up.  Except I AM grown up.  I have people who depend on me.  And the consequences of that question seem much more dire.

Inscribed by the ancient Greeks is the phrase "Know Thyself."  I don't.  But I know I need to find myself.  Because until I know who I am, I cannot know exactly what I need.  And if I don't know what I need, its pretty difficult to move on....