The Songs He'll Never Hear. Life Goes On

Image can be found here...

Kurt became a great-uncle again yesterday. And I hope his nieces and nephews are reading this, so I can tell them how proud he was of them and how proud he would have been to see them have families of their own. Five babies have now been born into that generation. Four of those babies - some now toddlers and preschoolers themselves - Kurt never lived to see.

As we were driving home a couple of days ago, mom singing along to the radio, Gavin asked to hear "Daddy's music." When i asked what songs he meant, he said he wanted to listen to the songs that "made mommy think of daddy and cry." He was referring to the playlist taken directly from Kurt's IPod - the music Kurt loved. It made me realize how 99.9% of the songs I hear on the radio each and every day my music loving husband never lived to hear.

Every day, I am surrounded by things that were not part of our lives three years ago. New houses, new roads, new businesses, new neighbours, new friends. And as the days get darker and autumn once again replaces summer, I look to a new season Kurt will never experience. Sometimes its hard to accept that the world did not stop the day Kurt's did. That other people's lives have gone on as usual in the midst of my chaos. That there is a tomorrow, whether you are alive to see it or not. And as I sit in the finished basement that was simply concrete on the day he died, stroking a cat who is only a year old, watching a first-run television show, and composing a blog I never imagined three years ago I would be writing today, I have to accept the cold, hard truth.

My life did not stop that day, either.

There are moments which feel like it did. Moments that I wish it did. And there is no denying that it changed. Hugely changed. But life goes on.

Even in the midst of grief, and all the fallout that has happened since, my life goes on.

I age. I learn. I experience things a new. And I live. A life that is both happy and sad, often simultaneously. For both of us. For all three of us. But also just for myself...

You can't stop the world from turning. You can't stop the hands of time from ticking. And even the biggest of control freaks such as myself really has no control. So whatever it brings, you just have to hold on tight and take the ride. However long it lasts. And wherever it may lead you....