Perspective Taking - The Long and Short End of the Stick

Who drew the shorter stick?????

There are days like today, when I’m feeling tired or sick, when Gavin ins being especially cranky, when I am simply stretched too thin and on my last straw.  Those are the days that I look at Kurt and think I drew the short stick in this deal.  He got the easy way out.  The better way out.  

Kurt didn’t have to live this misery.  He didn’t have to take the last dollar and decide whether it should go pay the bills, or buy the milk (okay – its not that bad, but feels like it sometimes).  He didn’t have to tend to a pestering toddler when all he wanted to do was sleep.  He didn’t have to work through the hurt, confusion, anger, loneliness, and pain.  He never had a flashback or anxiety attack.  He didn’t have to grieve, raise a child, and work full time simultaneously.  He died happy.  He died fulfilled.  His life was on track.  He got the better way out...

And then I sneak in and watch our son sleep.   Or play with him.  Or do like I did yesterday, and lay on the grass with his head in my lap counting the things we see float across the sky.  I think to the first day of school that is yet to come.  Birthdays, graduations, weddings, and so many days in between.  I grasp at those times when I hear my son say I love you.  Those moments when he looks at me and tells me I am his best friend and he won’t let anything happen to me...

And then I look at myself, and try to concentrate on the good times.  The times that have brought out the smiles.  Travels, experiences, joys – both life’s big and more simple of pleasures.

I’m sure Kurt would have given anything to be here today to experience them.  I’m sure Kurt wished he could have experienced them.  Even if it meant living through the pain.

Maybe his way out wasn’t better.  Easier, perhaps, but not better.  There’s a lot that has happened in the past three years that I really feel lucky to have experienced, even if it was without him.

So maybe this life of pain, in the end, is the better option....  Maybe it is worth experiencing.

Its all in the way you look at things, I guess...