I'm bleeding from the inside out. Its not a wound you can see. Not a wound you can put a bandaid on. Not a wound that will show on any x-ray, or be revealed in any blood test. But its a wound that is very, very real.
You can mend a broken limb. Fix a broken body. But what is the cure for a broken heart? A broken soul? A broken being?
I know the world looks at me and says "Come on, its been three years..." I know they cast their judging eyes my way, form silent opinions in their head. I know they think I should get on with things. That this has dragged on long enough. And I agree with them. I just can't seem to figure out how.
When you leave a wound untreated long enough, it gets infected. Goes septic. Eventually poisons the entire body. And kills you.
That's what has happened to me.
I buried the hurt under a mountain of responsibility. I ignored the flashbacks. Accepted the nightmares. I ran from the emotions faster than sprinters run the 100 meters. I thought I left everything far behind. I thought I was doing pretty well - at least on the outside. I was hiding it so well even I couldn't feel it sometimes.
But my inside, where the hurt still lays, has caught up with me. You can't run forever...
Now the foundation I have been standing on for the past three years is slowly crumbling. I'm watching my world fall around me. The things I clung to for safety are gone. The people who held me up have moved on. I have only myself to rely on. And I'm simply too weak, too tired from running for far too long.
I don't know what to do. Do I jump into the abyss that now surrounds me? Or do I stay where I am hoping someone - anyone - will throw me a life raft? Knowing that life raft will probably never come. Do I go, or do I stay? Do I paste a smile and ignore the impending disaster? Or finally cry the tears - the real tears - that have lived hidden deep inside?
For three years I have stood firm in my decisions. Confident that not feeling was simply safer than feeling. That with time the wound would scab and heal on its own.
I think I know that is not the case. And I know I do not possess what it takes to deal with this on my own. But where do you go from here? And can I accept the consequences or either direction?
Or is it really too late?
I'm still bleeding from the inside out. But have I already bled to death deep down inside?
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