"Run away train never going back... Wrong way on a one way track... Seems like I should be getting somewhere... Somehow I'm neither here nor there..." (Runaway Train - Soul Asylum)
I was derailed twice today - at the same time. First it was literally. A train parked on the tracks ahead at rush hour on our way home. Gavin watching the choo choo out the window. And mom impatiently drumming the steering wheel, eager to get home.
The second derailment happened while we were waiting. Completely out of the blue. Get Ready to Wiggle playing on the radio (yes, Gavin gets to choose). And then from the back seat...
"Mommy, Daddy dead."
"Yes honey, Daddy is dead."
"Okay."
A few minutes later.....
"Mommy. What dead."
Now I really want this train to move....
"Dead is when the person goes bye-bye and doesn't come back. But you can still love the person and talk to them."
"Okay mommy."
More silence....
"Daddy best in whole wide world."
"Yes honey. Daddy was the best in whole wide world."
Fruit Salad is on the radio now. He starts singing. Mom swears at the damn train taking so long. Its a good thing I'm in the front and he's on the back once again occupied by the world outside so he can't see the tears...
Okay, so it wasn't the best explanation in the world. But it was all I had at the moment. It once again got me thinking though.... How long have those questions been formulating in that little mind? Was my answer good enough? And what questions are yet to come?
My grandfather died when I was a matter of months old. I have no memory of the man. Really, my entire image of him is taken from one frozen frame taken prior to my parent's wedding. I didn't hear a lot of stories. But a part of me grew up wondering... enough so that when I was older and asked who I would like to meet, living or dead, the man I had never met was my first and obvious choice every time. Probably followed by the New Kids on the Block.... Even today, I wonder what he would have been like. What our relationship would have been like. What sort of memories I missed out on.
If I wonder that about my grandfather, what will Gavin wonder about his own dad? What will he ask? And will I know the answers? I don't know it all. Do I know enough?
When I was in high school, I read a book called "The Giver." In the book, a single person is trusted with all the memories of the past. And it is his responsibility to pass them down to the chosen of the next generation. Its a huge responsibility. A painful and isolating one. One he doesn't relish. In so many ways, I can empathize with that character. I know that as Gavin gets older, my current answers will not be enough. When I tell him how he is like his daddy, he will ask how. When I scold him of touching the red model car that he current stares at through glass in our curio cabinet, he will want to know why. And when I tell him something about his dad, he will want to know more.
And I can only hope the answers will come....
I gave up a long time ago trying to be both Gavin's mother and father. I had to admit to myself that it was hard enough to be just mom - that he would not have dad like so many others, and that I could never be that dad even if I drove myself ragged trying. But wherever possible, I want to give Gavin enough that he feels he knows who his father was, even if he never knows his father. I want to fill in all the gaps possible, because I know there will be enough that I cannot help with.
Kurt left a big gap. Some pretty big shoes to fill. Its gonna take a lot of questions. A lot of stories.
I hope I'm up to the task.....
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