Write On...

They come from way down in my soul
The core of my spirit.
In succession they rise,
to help express.

To help the frown emerge from the root of my being.
May salt water
Splash
Down cheeks of scarlet.
To express the feelings inside....

I wrote that in grade 5.  I would have been about 11.  It would form the base of my first published poem, "Feelings".

It was my fifth grade teacher who really encouraged me to write - to explore words and their relationship to paper... and to me.  Ever since those moments, I have found something cathartic in the written word - putting pen to paper in an effort to express things which may otherwise go unsaid.

I've had people ask me what this blog does to me.  Why I write if it forces me to remember.  And if remembering forces me to be sad.

Truth is, I'd remember anyway.  Writing doesn't make me sad.  It does, however, force me to acknowledge my sadness.  To put words to thoughts and emotions that appear ineffable.  And to share the burden those emotions create with you - whomever you are.  Its said that a shared load is a lighter load.

I have two other collections of writing.  One is letters to Kurtis.  I started them when he was alive - writing him notes at both significant and also spontaneous times, just to express what I cannot say.  I continue to do that today.

My second collection is a series of letters to Gavin.  I wrote the first one the day I found out I was pregnant, and continued through my pregnancy, and his life.  The tone of those letters has changed in the past 18 months.  But I continue to write to my son.  Each letter starting simply with "Dear Gavin".  And ending just as simply with "I love you.  Mom."  Some day I hope he'll read those letters and realize how his mom tried.  How she hurt.  And how she survived.  And how much he really means to her.

Putting pen to paper continues to be one of the best therapies I have.  My writing is both a mirror on myself and a vessel to the outside world.  Its my way of deciphering whether I'm happy, sad, lonely, or all of the above.  Of simultaneously patting my back for where I have come to and kicking myself in the pants to push me farther.  Of sharing a little piece of myself with everyone else.

It makes me feel bad, yet better at the same time.

As the last line of my poem feelings puts it, it "helps express.  To help show the real me."

In the raw.  Its what I need right now.

Thats why I write.....