Forever

How long is forever?  Because that's how long I will love you....

To Hear His Name

People don't say his name much.  They look away when I do.  Its like they are trying to erase his existence.  His life.  Yet I need to hear it.  Because he still lives in me and Gavin.  


My husband has a name.  I will continue to use it every chance I get.  And I ask others around me to do the same.  To honour his life.  His legacy.  To honour Kurtis.  


Please.

I didn't write this...  I wish I had.  I could have.  This poem was rephrased and based on the book “Saying Olin to Goodbye” by Donald Hackett.

SAY KURTIS ...

The time of concern is over. No longer am I asked how I am doing.
Never is the name of my partner mentioned to me. A curtain descends.
The moment has passed. A life slips from frequent recall. There are
exceptions … close and comforting friends, sensitive and loving family.
For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.
But for me, the play will never end. The effects are timeless.
Say Kurtis to me.

On the stage of my life, he has been both lead and supporting actor.
Do not tiptoe around the greatest event of my life. Love does not die.
His name is written on my life. The sound of his voice replays within
my mind. You feel he is dead. I feel he is of the dead and still lives.
You say he was my partner. I say he is.
Say Kurtis to me and say Kurtis again.

It hurts to bury his memory in silence.
What he was in the flesh has now turned to ash.
What he is in spirit, stirs within me always.
He is of my past, but he is part of my present.
He is my hope for the future.
You say not to remind me. How little you understand that I cannot forget.
I would not if I could.
I forgive you, because you cannot know.
I strive not to judge you, for yesterday I was like you.

I do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy.
I walk it not by choice. I would rather walk it with him in the flesh.
I am what I have to be. What I have lost you cannot feel.
What I have gained you cannot see.
Say Kurtis, for he is alive in me.

He and I will meet again, though in many ways we have never parted.
He and his life play light songs on my mind, sunrises and sunsets on my dreams.
He is real and he is shadow. He was and he is.

He is my partner and I love him as I always did.
Say Kurtis to me and say Kurtis again....

If He Could Talk: His Message to His Son...

Note:  I didn't write this - but I could have.  Kurt didn't say it - but he would have :)

I didn't mean to leave you; I didn't want to go.

I'm so sorry that I am not there, but I wanted you to know

When Mommy told me about you, I was so full of joy,

What  I wanted more than anything was a beautiful baby boy.

When you were born it was truly my happiest day,

We would always be together, to talk, to laugh, to play.

When I saw your little face, and a resemblance all could see,

I could not believe my eyes.  You were a miniature me!

I talked about you to everyone; I even chose your name.

I couldn't wait to take you to your first Roughrider game.

Then when you would be old enough I'd teach you how to drive,

You and I, our remote cars, racing side by side.

I'm grateful for the months we shared, and the squeals of glee.

We did so much in the short time we had.  My boy you'll always be.

I didn't mean to leave you; I didn't want to go.

I'm so sorry I'm not there for you, but in these ways I'll show.

Even though you can't see me, I am always near,

I am the words of encouragement that are whispered in your ear.

I am the sun that shines down on you and brightens up your day.

I am the thoughts of happiness that take your blues away.

I am the stars at night that twinkle from above.

I am the peace the surrounds you, and fills your heart with love.

I am the gentle touch you feel as I wipe away your tears.

I am the confidence that settles over you and takes away your fears.

I am the voice that calls for you, it echoes in the wind.

I am your special playmate, your imaginary friend.

I didn't mean to leave you; I didn't want to go.

I'm so sorry I'm not there for you, but I will watch you grow.

I will be with you, my son, every step of the way.

Now listen very carefully to these words I have to say.

Explore the world around you, there is so much to learn.

View the world with an open mind and knowledge you will earn.

Respect yourself and others; be honest and generous too.

Always do your best, and success will come to you.

Yes.. believe in miracles.  And dreams... they do come true.

Have fun, and enjoy your life.  Have passion for what you do.

Love with all your heart, my son, and happiness you'll find.

Then peace and serenity will not be far behind.

Leave your mark upon the world; touch as many lives as you can.

And know that I am so proud of you, my very special little man....

Again and Again and Again

The Scream - Edvard Munch

The flashbacks are like déjà vu.  Again and again and again....

They trap me in the past.  They push me back when I try to step forward.  They force me to relive.  To re-feel.  To remember.

They bring me right back.  To the day.  The moment.  The sounds.  The smells. The emotions.  The touch.  They’re not a dream.  A vision.  A memory.  They’re my reality.  As visible today as they were months ago.  As though it were happening right before my eyes.  Over and over again.

I’m told its the PTSD.  To me, its something more.  To leave them - those last moments of him and I - is to leave him, alone, on that bathroom floor.  To walk away.  As much as I want to, I can’t.  My mind just won’t let me.

I don’t want to forget.  I want to remember.  I need to remember....

A small streak of blood on the bathroom wall.  White powder on the carpet.  Water hitting water as the shower flows into an already full bathtub.   The sinking gut feeling of impending doom.  Steel grey lifeless eyes.  Blue and cold lifeless lips.  Ambulance and police cars, lights ablaze.  A stranger stating hope is lost.  An empty chair.  An infant’s cry.  A wife’s scream.  A widow’s sob.

This is the backdrop on which I try to live my life.  Rebuild my life.  This is the soundtrack which blends with the sounds of today.  This is that day’s legacy which I rather would forget.  My past and my present.

The flashbacks are like déjà vu.  Again and again and again....

Father's Day

I've been thinking about Kurt all day today.  Not Kurt the husband.  Or Kurt the lover.  Or even Kurt the man.  But Kurt the Daddy.

The role he never was allowed to fully grow in to.  What he could have been.  Should have been.

Barely had the chance to be.

Father's Day is different now in our house.  Its a remembrance day of sorts.  Trying to keep the man alive for his son.  And mom trying to hold herself together.  A celebration of a different form.....

We talk about Daddy all the time.  But today is for him.  And whether he is here or not, Gavin only really has one daddy.

Gavin's old enough now to start to commemorate.  To participate in ritual.  To help form traditions.

To celebrate.

Even if he doesn't fully understand, some day he will.  And when he does, I want the memories there.....

So we visit his dad in the place he now rests.  Then we hug and kiss balloons, and send them to where he waits in the sky.

My balloon carries a message.  I could have written a book full of things I've silently said to Kurt all day.  About how he was an awesome dad.  How it was ripped from him far too soon.  About how badly Gavin needs his daddy.  About how there are some things a mommy just can't do.  About how inadequate I feel.  About how I know I'll never fill his shoes....  About how badly I wish he were here.....

But instead of writing what's on my mind, I write what's on my heart.  The same thing I say to him every day.....

We love you Daddy.  Always loved.  Always missed.  Always Yours.  Forever.

With him all around me, every day is a day of remembrance in my life.  Remembering him.  Mourning him.  Celebrating him.

Every day a Father's Day......

Happy Father's Day Kurtis.

Cake Crumbs

Cleaning out the freezer today, I did something I haven't done in a long time.  Reached the bottom.  The very bottom.

There, wrapped in multiple layers of foil, was the top layer of our wedding cake.  Originally we were going to eat it on our first anniversary.  That day passed...

Then we decided we would eat it on our fifth anniversary.  And force out kids to eat five year old cake at the same time.  Just because.

I unwrapped the cake today.  It looks the same as I remember it on that day.  I remember baking that cake in our kitchen.  Sitting on the internet with Kurt forcing him to look at wedding cakes online.  Seeing it sitting on the table that day.  Slicing the knife into it.  Feeding him.  Him feeding me.  I remember it all.....

I tasted a little of the icing.

Kurt and I would have ben married 4 years this August.  The cake still has one year to age.

Slowly, I wrapped up the cake and tossed it in the garbage.  Stared at it sitting there, then tied the bag up and walked away.

There's nothing special about it any more.  It's just cake. And no one wants to eat 4-year old cake anyway....

The icing tasted just fine though.  It would have lasted another year.

I wish Kurt and I had.....

Breath of Fresh Air

Image courtesy of h.koppdelaney

Another widow joined the club not long ago.  A woman that I probably would have never been aware of - whose circumstances would have only caused a sad head shake and passing glance had they not ben so strikingly similar to my own.  A faceless name in an obit.  An email message across my mailbox.  Now I can't get that woman off my mind.  The pain she is feeling.  A pain she feels no one else could ever understand.  But I do.....

Thinking about her I am vicariously reliving those earliest days.  Days that passed in a blur.  Days I wish I never had to remember, but can't really forget.  But in reliving those early days, I notice so many emotions that have become my constant companion.  Sadness.  Pain.  Loneliness.  Anger.  Fear.  Confusion.  Abandonment.

And progress......

Looking around when things are at their worst, I feel like I've gotten nowhere.  That I'm stuck.  Crazy-glued, if you will, to the undeniably horrible moments of my life.  That I'll never be happy again...

But when I'm forced to go back to those days, I realize I'm not there any more.  I have moved.  Baby steps in some ways.  Giant leaps and bounds in others.  But in a world where grief has shackled my feet and made every step so difficult, I'll take all the forward movement I can.

I no longer lay in bed every morning wishing I were dead.  Wishing for a few more moments of sleep perhaps, but not wanting to cover my head and lay there forever.  While the moments may be fleeting, I can admit that I have been happy.  Or at least less sad.  When I look at pictures, there is a glimmer of hope.  Slowly life is replacing death in my eyes.  Or the two are learning to coexist...

I know there is a world out there.  And I know that while Kurt's place in it may be over, mine is not.

I'm still finding my new place in this world.  The obstacles are still huge.  The road is still slow going.  The path is still clouded with sadness and fear.  I still think of my husband with every passing minute.  I still miss him with every bone in my being.  And I still cry uncontrollably as I type this...

I don't know if the worst is behind me.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  When the next rush of sadness will knock me down on my knees.  Send me running for cover.  I know there are plenty more moments like that lurking out there.  Silent triggers.  Silent memories.  Silent tears.  Silent pain.

But when you have tasted death as  intimately as I have - when you have wished it on yourself for so long - every taste of life is a breath of fresh air.