And therein lies the problem. As I sit here for another night alone, wishing it were different, I know what I think I have known for quite a while. A lot of the reason as to why nothing seems to improve.
I have lost hope.
There is no promise of a brighter tomorrow in my world. No possibility that things will get better. Just the stark reality of today stretching out farther and farther as time passes. I see that bright world all around me - like the child in the darkness peering into the brightly lit windows of other people's lives. But there is always a pane of glass separating me from it. I can never seem to step into the light myself.
I have felt glimmers of that hope. In talking to others who have walked where I walked, and made it out alive. When people finally admitted it was more than grief, and connected me with people who had the skills to really help. In those rare days without any tears. When I found reason to smile. And in my son's innocence, his laugh and smile. But just as fast as things seemed to maybe get a little better - poof - that better disappeared. Like a mirage in the desert, always tempting you. Always just out of reach.
Its always more of the same. A different form, a different flavour, but the same stuff...
So many people tell me that hope matters. To keep the faith. That the brighter days are still ahead. But when all you see is an endless parade of grey, its hard to believe them. Even the brief moments of colour are muted and quickly forgotten in a life that is being lived out in black and white.
History tends to repeat itself, day after dreary day And I know its a self-fulfilling prophecy. But where do you find hope when you have tapped your reserves dry? (And I ask this on all seriousness...) There are no hope sections in the supermarket. You can't find it on ebay. And with each setback, each failed attempt, each bad week - or even day - I can feel my own supply draining.
I don't talk to people about this any more. Its not worth it. There is no such thing as a hope transplant. And people with full pantries cannot understand what it is like to truly be hungry, until they are hungry themselves. And I am starving.
I want to feel hopeful. I want to see the light. At least then there would be an intrinsic reason to get up in the morning, to keep trying. But if you ask for toys at Christmas, and all Santa brings you are socks and underwear, you tend to stop asking for anything. You may even start to believe he isn't real. Either one is easier than experiencing repeated disappointment. And so while I want better days, and even still from time to time ask the universe for them, I have a lot of socks and underwear in my life right now. I expect those socks and underwear. I don't really think anything better will ever come my way again....
When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." (Author Unknown). But when do you stop trying, and simply accept defeat? Learn to live with only what you have. It takes energy to try. And even more energy to fall and get back up again. After doing what needs to be done, I only have a finite supply of energy left....
"When you have lost hope, you have lost everything....” ~ Pittacus Lore, I Am Number Four. And again, therein lies the problem.
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