I indulged for a moment last night. Laying in bed, I turned to face the wall, laying just as I would when Kurt lay beside me. I closed my eyes. And for a moment I could feel him there. He was not dead. The past two years were only a dream. A bad dream.
And then I reached over, and felt nothing but a cold, empty pillow where his head should have been. And poof. My dream again became my reality.
Gavin has taken a fascination to the movie Shrek. For those of you uneducated to the lives of famous green ogres, Shrek lives in the kingdom of Far Far Away. Where fairy tale creations are real....
What I would do to go there, to the place of my dreams, to live out my fairy tale. To find my happily ever after. To bring back the characters in my idyllic life story. Kurt and I could once again walk hand in hand, with Gavin and his two siblings running at our feet. Our life lived out as we had planned. As it should have, had death not taken him away.
I cannot guarantee that things would be better. I cannot imagine they could be much worse. I know they would be different. And I hope things would be easier. That the world would at least make a little more sense....
I don’t know if Kurt was really beside me last night. I don't really know if he's ever here any more. But I do know that it felt nice, if only for a very brief moment, to not feel quite so alone. To feel that things are as they should be. To feel content. To feel at ease. To feel normal. Dare I say, to feel okay. Its the same feeling I get just before waking up while dreaming of him. That flash where my conscious mind realizes that he is there, with me. Honestly, its one of the best feelings in the world...
And then you wake up longing for more, and sad because you realize its only make believe...
“The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Gothe
“Come to me, darling; I'm lonely without thee; Daytime and nighttime I'm dreaming about thee.” ~Joseph Brennan
And then I reached over, and felt nothing but a cold, empty pillow where his head should have been. And poof. My dream again became my reality.
Gavin has taken a fascination to the movie Shrek. For those of you uneducated to the lives of famous green ogres, Shrek lives in the kingdom of Far Far Away. Where fairy tale creations are real....
What I would do to go there, to the place of my dreams, to live out my fairy tale. To find my happily ever after. To bring back the characters in my idyllic life story. Kurt and I could once again walk hand in hand, with Gavin and his two siblings running at our feet. Our life lived out as we had planned. As it should have, had death not taken him away.
I cannot guarantee that things would be better. I cannot imagine they could be much worse. I know they would be different. And I hope things would be easier. That the world would at least make a little more sense....
I don’t know if Kurt was really beside me last night. I don't really know if he's ever here any more. But I do know that it felt nice, if only for a very brief moment, to not feel quite so alone. To feel that things are as they should be. To feel content. To feel at ease. To feel normal. Dare I say, to feel okay. Its the same feeling I get just before waking up while dreaming of him. That flash where my conscious mind realizes that he is there, with me. Honestly, its one of the best feelings in the world...
And then you wake up longing for more, and sad because you realize its only make believe...
“The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Gothe
“Come to me, darling; I'm lonely without thee; Daytime and nighttime I'm dreaming about thee.” ~Joseph Brennan
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