The Blame Game

Image can be found here...

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone....."

I've said many times in the posts before that I feel responsible for what happened to my husband.  I wear the guilt like a cloak.  And it acts like a cloak too.  It hides me.  My emotions.  Probably the truth.  By blaming myself I don't have to deal with the reality of the situation....

Sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Sometimes things are out of my - or anyone's -  control.  And sometimes 35 year old men drop dead instantaneously.  And there's not a darn thing that can be done about it.

I can direct all my emotions at myself.  Turn the pain into anger.  The longing into guilt.  I can swear at myself, punish myself, hate myself.  And in the end, that changes little.

He's gone.  He's not coming back.  And as much as I struggle to admit it, as much as it really, really hurts to say... Regardless of what I had done, on that day or in the days that come before or after, he would have died anyway.

I can't explain the feelings that well up just seeing that in print.  It throws my entire world order out of whack.  It makes me question life - and death.  "Why?" is replaced with "Why not?".  And I don't have an answer...

There was really nothing I could have done...

I'm wrestling with that reality.  Part of me wants to accept it, to free myself, to move forward.  Part of me is afraid of what forward looks like, so would rather stay put, in the familiar, albeit painful.  Part of me feels like even typing that is doing a disservice to Kurt.  Part of me is afraid I will stop feeling.  That I will forget.  Repeat the same mistakes.  And part of me doesn't know what to think, say or feel.  That's the biggest part of me.

I'm sad.  Terrified.  Guilty.  Confused.

I am a person divided.

But I think I found something today.  It didn't come in a hidden message.  Or a dream.  Or a sudden revelation.  There was no booming voice.  No burning bush.  Just me, a counsellor, a very pointed discussion... and a lot of tears.  And the revelation that is may be okay to be "okay."  That cause and effect doesn't always apply in matters of the mind, of life and death.  That blaming doesn't change the past, but rather clouds the future.

I'm not ready to shed my cloak completely yet.  I still carry guilt.  I always may.  But I can't let it control me.  Because that renders me out of control.  I can't change what I did... or didn't do.  Only what I do now.

Its a terrifying cliff that I am standing on.  Not sure whether I will jump off, climb down, or retreat.  I guess time will tell.

I'm sorry for what I didn't do.  Sorry for what I couldn't do.  Sorry for what I did.  Sorry for what I do....

I know Kurt forgives me.

I hope I can now forgive myself.