You

It hurts.

Its hard.  

But through it all, each day I am thankful for every day I had with you.....

And The Winner Is...

Image can be found here...

Its Oscar night.  

Kurt loved the movies.  He loved the Hollywood fantasy.  And I loved him.  So every year, on this night, we would cuddle up on the couch, order in Chinese, and watch the Oscars together.  We would track our predictions.  The winner got the extra egg roll.

I watched bits and pieces of the show tonight.  But you can read the winners and the highlights in the news the next day.  And three hours just seemed like too much time to give to a frivolous activity.  Besides, it isn't the same...

As I type this, I'm not even sure who won best actress.  But looking in the mirror, I feel it should have been me....

Three days ago, I met a colleague whom I haven't seen in over a year for coffee.  She told m I looked great.  Happy.  Two days ago, back pain took me to the doctor.  She looked at me and said I must be sleeping better, and asked me if I had a boyfriend.  In between, I slept maybe two hours.  And typed "Would anyone miss me if I died" into Google.  

Doesn't exactly sound like radiant and happy to me.....  

Truth be told, I'm going through a downward slump in my up and down journey.  But comments like that prove what I believed all along.  Regardless of what is happening on the inside, on the outside I'm getting better at controlling what I want people to know, to see.

I play a lot of roles.  Mother.  Friend.  Employee.  Manager.  Widow.  I change hats rather seamlessly, adapting to what people need from me automatically now.  There are some roles, however, that few people see, few people know about.  Those are the personas I hide from most.  

Even sometimes from me.  

Its a survival mechanism for myself.  Its a form of protection - for me and the people I am around.  It just seems better to give the world what they seem to want - expect - rather than what is on the inside.  Because they don't understand the inside.  Hell, I don't understand the inside either.

When you are watching a movie, you know the actors are playing roles.  You never see who they really are when the camera is turned off.  But the people you meet on the street, the people you interact with on a daily basis - what do you really know about who they are when they are alone, behind locked doors and closed blinds?  

Maybe everyone is not as they seem.....

Would You Miss Me?

Image can be found here...

Everyone wants to make their mark.  To leave things a little different than when they arrived.  To be noticed.  To be remembered.  No one wants to live, and die, with their life accounting for nothing....

Would you miss me if I was gone?  Would anyone?

And by miss I mean really miss.  Notice.  Not just toss a passing glance every once and a while.  Has my life impacted anyone to the point that things would stop if I were no longer here?

My son, yes.  But do I really only matter to one person????

I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days, as I toss and turn at night.  Day in, and day out life goes on all around me.  I'm not a part of it any more.  I don't matter.  Not really.  Not in the way I want to.  To anyone.  Things would go on just the same without me.  

I've always been a wallflower.  But more and more, in a crowded room, I feel completely, totally, and utterly isolated.  Forgotten.  Alone.

A silent scream no one can hear.  An invisible face no one can see.

It really makes me wonder why, for the past two and a half years, I have been fighting so hard to stay...

I scream.  I cry.  I laugh.  I love.  And no one sees.

I beg for someone to take the time to let me know they notice.

It's a little like talking to the wind..

Love

Image can be found here....

I’m so fortunate that I loved. That I was loved. That I am loved.

I was blessed with a special love. A love people dream of, wish for. I loved Kurt, and I know he loved me, to his final breath. We never fell out of love. And we never will.

And today, on the day of love, I will spend a few special minutes with our son – the ultimate product of that love – and let him know just how much his daddy and mommy love him too.

I’m lucky. Deep down I know that, even if I don’t really feel it. And I wouldn’t change the love we shared for all the roses that walk out of the florist today.

Happy Valentines Day, my love. I don’t need a day to tell you how much I love you. I need a lifetime.

My broken heart beats for us both......

Always Yours....

Is There Anybody Out There?

Source is here....

I don't remember whether its a commercial, a movie, or a dream I have had.  But somewhere in my mind there is an image of a man, calling into the wind, asking "Is there anybody out there?"

And no one answers.

That's the way I feel these days.

I've never been an open book.  A few chapters, yes.  But there are things that I have told no one.  Secrets that never escaped my lips.  And I was okay with that.  Wanted that.  The Kurt came along.  And read every single page.

He is the only person in my life that I can honestly say knew everything.  We had no secrets.  Or at least I didn't.  And if he did, he successfully took them to the grave...

He was my confidante.  My voice of reason.  My angel, and at times my devil.  We would talk out what had to be done next.  Together.

I grew accustomed to that very quickly, to always having someone I could talk to, rely on, depend on to be there.

And then he wasn't....

These days I am unsure of myself.  I don't trust myself, my decisions.  Don't feel guided by reason.  Don't really know myself, actually.  And in that state of mind, its specially hard when the future of a three year old rests solely up to you.  Its these days that I want - need - someone with whom I can openly share, without having to filter.  Without having to be afraid.

I sit here longing for that person, my mind silently flipping through my rolodex of names looking for someone to call.  Someone I know I can trust 100%.  Someone who will have the answer, or be certain to help me find it.

And I keep coming up empty.

Because I am looking for Kurt.  And his page has ben erased.  He is no longer there.

So instead, alone, I call out in the wind, wanting someone to answer me.  Secretly hoping that someone will be him.....

"Is there anybody out there?"  Because right now I feel so alone........

Forever....

30 months.  Two and a half years.  And while the pain has dulled, there are moments like today that still slice me like a knife.  I will forever look to the sky and make a silent wish that we had gone together.

Forever....  Always Yours....