I don't remember whether its a commercial, a movie, or a dream I have had. But somewhere in my mind there is an image of a man, calling into the wind, asking "Is there anybody out there?"
And no one answers.
That's the way I feel these days.
I've never been an open book. A few chapters, yes. But there are things that I have told no one. Secrets that never escaped my lips. And I was okay with that. Wanted that. The Kurt came along. And read every single page.
He is the only person in my life that I can honestly say knew everything. We had no secrets. Or at least I didn't. And if he did, he successfully took them to the grave...
He was my confidante. My voice of reason. My angel, and at times my devil. We would talk out what had to be done next. Together.
I grew accustomed to that very quickly, to always having someone I could talk to, rely on, depend on to be there.
And then he wasn't....
These days I am unsure of myself. I don't trust myself, my decisions. Don't feel guided by reason. Don't really know myself, actually. And in that state of mind, its specially hard when the future of a three year old rests solely up to you. Its these days that I want - need - someone with whom I can openly share, without having to filter. Without having to be afraid.
I sit here longing for that person, my mind silently flipping through my rolodex of names looking for someone to call. Someone I know I can trust 100%. Someone who will have the answer, or be certain to help me find it.
And I keep coming up empty.
Because I am looking for Kurt. And his page has ben erased. He is no longer there.
So instead, alone, I call out in the wind, wanting someone to answer me. Secretly hoping that someone will be him.....
"Is there anybody out there?" Because right now I feel so alone........
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