Kurt loved the movies. He loved the Hollywood fantasy. And I loved him. So every year, on this night, we would cuddle up on the couch, order in Chinese, and watch the Oscars together. We would track our predictions. The winner got the extra egg roll.
I watched bits and pieces of the show tonight. But you can read the winners and the highlights in the news the next day. And three hours just seemed like too much time to give to a frivolous activity. Besides, it isn't the same...
As I type this, I'm not even sure who won best actress. But looking in the mirror, I feel it should have been me....
Three days ago, I met a colleague whom I haven't seen in over a year for coffee. She told m I looked great. Happy. Two days ago, back pain took me to the doctor. She looked at me and said I must be sleeping better, and asked me if I had a boyfriend. In between, I slept maybe two hours. And typed "Would anyone miss me if I died" into Google.
Doesn't exactly sound like radiant and happy to me.....
Truth be told, I'm going through a downward slump in my up and down journey. But comments like that prove what I believed all along. Regardless of what is happening on the inside, on the outside I'm getting better at controlling what I want people to know, to see.
I play a lot of roles. Mother. Friend. Employee. Manager. Widow. I change hats rather seamlessly, adapting to what people need from me automatically now. There are some roles, however, that few people see, few people know about. Those are the personas I hide from most.
Even sometimes from me.
Its a survival mechanism for myself. Its a form of protection - for me and the people I am around. It just seems better to give the world what they seem to want - expect - rather than what is on the inside. Because they don't understand the inside. Hell, I don't understand the inside either.
When you are watching a movie, you know the actors are playing roles. You never see who they really are when the camera is turned off. But the people you meet on the street, the people you interact with on a daily basis - what do you really know about who they are when they are alone, behind locked doors and closed blinds?
Maybe everyone is not as they seem.....
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