I saw Paul McCartney last night in concert. It was probably one of the best concerts I have ever seen. I was glad I was there. And as I sat there, through the entire three hour performance, I had one thing front and centre on my mind.
Kurt would have loved this. I wish he was here. With me.
Surrounded by 40 000 people, most of whom were having a good time, I was shedding tears – silent and discreet. That’s not to say I was not enjoying myself. Its just to say that the Kurt-sized hole that lives within my heart seemed twice as large, twice as obvious. And I could not get him off my mind.
And, surrounded by huge masses, I felt completely alone.
I’m getting used to living with that monkey on my back. With that hole that follows me, sits beside me constantly. The reminders, even in the good times, that the times would be better with him to share it with me.
I can be happy and sad at the same time. Enjoying the present while pining for something different, yearning for the past. Kurt was a big man. He cast a presence, he could not hide in a crowd. So I suppose I should not be surprised that I feel his absence as much as I did his presence. Sometimes still I feel them both at the same time....
I’m getting used to the silent tears as well. There was a time when I would hold them back, push them in. Now, in appropriate settings (aka when I feel safe and usually when I think no one is watching) I just let them come. Sometimes they come when I don’t even really feel sad. I just don’t feel happy either. Or, more accurately, I just don’t feel whole.
I’ve learned it takes too much energy to fight the feelings, fight the emotions. It’s too hard to ignore what is missing in my life. So day by day, I am learning to accept that this is part of my reality. I don’t know if it makes it easier, but it makes it bearable.
And it can’t be changed anyway.
Just as Sir Paul said, some things you just have to let be.....
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