Gavin and I had a long conversation about his daddy today, sitting by the river waiting for the fireworks to explode. And for once I didn't initiate it. Didn't really encourage it, either. Kurt was not someone I felt ready to talk about today.
But I had promised my little boy many times over that we would talk about his dad whenever and wherever he wanted. And apparently today, in a crowd of people, at a festival his daddy loved, Gavin had that need.
Out of the blue, from his little mouth, came "Mommy, I have a daddy, right."
"Yes, Gavin, you have a daddy. Do you remember where your daddy is?"
"Daddy died."
He always gets this sad pout on his face when he says that. I don't know if its because he really is sad, or because mommy still can't say it to him without tearing up too...
Now the people next to me are half listening, with that "Oh you poor woman" look that I know and hate.
"Yes, love bug. Daddy died. But he is still your daddy isn't he."
"Mommy, where is daddy."
"Daddy's spirit had to go to the sky. Higher than the airplanes. But his love for you is still here in your heart. And in your mommy's heart."
Now the people next to me aren't even trying to hide the fact that they are listening in.
"Mommy, can daddy see the fireworks?"
"I think so. The fireworks will be in the sky too, so daddy is above them, watching."
"Good. I love my daddy. He the best Daddy in the whole wide world."
I make eye contact with those people next to me. Not intentionally - I don't want anyone to see the water glistening in my eyes. They turn and look away.
"Mommy, I throw my di-di in the river." Di-di is his security blanket, his snuggle buddy, his best friend.
"Why would you do that, Gavin. Then what would you cuddle with at night?"
"I cuddle with my daddy blanket. Daddy keeps me safe."
I think he started to whine about wanting a balloon at this point and the conversation was over. But that is the longest Gavin has wanted to speak about his dad.
Kurt loved the fireworks festival. Signalling the end of summer, it was our early fall ritual. This is the first year I ventured there alone, without either him or someone to hold me up. Just Gavin and I. I'll be honest - I felt a lot anxious and a little exposed.
All of tonights choreographed music had to do with love, and losing love. The first two songs were about loving someone. The third song had references to feeling lonely and cutting to hide the pain. I wish they had issued a list of music. It is the current soundtrack of my life.
The last song was "Heaven Let Your Light Shine Down."
Somewhere above the fireworks, above the airplanes, above the clouds and the moon, Heaven's light was shining. Kurt was watching, I'm sure. But I don't know if he saw the fireworks.
His son gazed up, memorized by the light display. And at the same time, Kurt looked down.
I hope they made eye contact....
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